In a press conference held in the Student Centre today, Young Fine Gael have announced their intention to remove UCD mainstay Old Man Belfield from campus, citing “illegal occupation of a property” and “years of unpaid rent gone uncollected”. Group leader, D. Fore, has come out against UCD’s “lack of resolve in removing this unsightly stain from an otherwise clean campus”.
Old Man Belfield, real name unknown, has been a resident of the UCD grounds for years after being given permission from campus services to stay indefinitely. YFG have decided, however, that this permission has “no real legal standing” and that they are speaking with members of their senior party to figure out “the best way to get rid of a homeless person quickly”.
“In all of our time in education, we have never been so shocked – nay, horrified – to have discovered that we should have to share our space with someone who is without a fixed abode,” said D. Fore, while holding a suspiciously clean boot. “It was enough of a shock for us to realise that we would have to go to college near people who had to work to survive but this is the straw that broke the camel’s back.” Mr. Fore was seen to be licking his lips every time he would mention words such as “removal from the habitat” and “landlord’s rights”. When a reference to the removal of people without residences from Apollo House was made by a member of the press, Mr Fore’s eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he excused himself from the conference for a moment.
UCD students have come out in protest to the announcement, organising marches, sit-ins and discussions about how systematic issues have been key factors in the housing crisis. Young Fine Gael say that they are not worried about the backlash, saying that “any news is good news” and that the discussion around the campaign will only draw more eyes towards their cause. “Who cares what a hundred broke students think about this situation? All we need is one rich man with power to hear about this and we’ll succeed.”, claimed Mr. Fore, before leaving the press conference in what looked like a golden carriage but on closer inspection was a poorly constructed box made from cardboard and yellow paint.
“I’m surprised it took this long to attempt this, if we’re being honest,” one UCD student was heard to say. “This couldn’t be any more on brand for them”.