Laura Molloy discusses friendship breakups and how to navigate friends drifting apart.
Breakups are one of the most difficult experiences to go through, particularly when experiencing them for the first time. Breakups tend to be loud - whether that’s the noise of shouting an argument that leaves no room for coming back, or the ping of your phone when you wake up to a “hey girlie” text.
Friendship breakups tend to be quieter than romantic ones. In teenage years, the fallout can be immense, and often more dramatic than necessary - when someone wasn’t invited to a party or a screenshotted Snapchat circulated to the wrong group - but when you're in your twenties the tone changes.
When you form friendships in your twenties, they tend to have stronger foundations than those you made in school (with exceptions of course). They are built on compatibility, rather than proximity. A shared activity might bring you together initially, but they won’t serve as the glue.
No one is on the same path in their twenties. Your schedules will conflict, your personalities will clash, and your identities will change. Everything from how much you can afford to spend on a night out, to your relationship status, will shape how you show up and form friendships.
When one person gets a partner, a trio is more likely to become a duo. When one friend goes on Erasmus and the other stays, your coffee dates will turn into missed phone calls. Your ride or die from your first year of college may not be who stands next you at graduation.
Therefore adult friendships require both effort and grace. You have to take the initiative to reach out, to check in, to make plans, but you also have to understand they will not always be able to give a yes.
So what do you do when your effort is not matched?
Before you end a friendship you need to consider if this is the first time they have withdrawn, or if there are circumstances affecting them. If this is not their usual behaviour it is worth giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Although, if this behaviour becomes a pattern and you can feel them pulling away then it might be time to let go. Just like a romantic relationship, if an honest conversation can’t resolve the issue then a breakup is likely due.
Losing a friend will hurt just as much as losing a partner, sometimes even more. The same stages of grief apply. You will be fine without them one day, and miss them the next. The dynamic may be different, but the breakup advice is the same. Look after yourself, invest in people who love you, and spend time doing things you love.
I have never been a fan of the “just move on” ideology. When you lose someone you care about in any shape or form, a mourning process will follow. What I will advise is the phrase that helped me when going through both breakups last year, “don’t try to move on, just keep moving forward”.