Dublin Beatles FestivalTaking place around the city from November 7th - 10th, this year’s Beatles Festival is going to be bigger and better than Jesus. Keep an ear out for skiffle bands and tribute acts, and don’t forget to punch someone across the face every time you disagree with their choice of favourite Beatle. All suits from the A Hard Day’s Night tour will be on display in the Arnott’s Window on Henry Street. Beatles are not for sale. Bluegrass TuesdaysThe International Bar on Wicklow Street has finally recognised the real and undying yearning for bluegrass music in all of our souls, by hosting a free entry bluegrass night every Tuesday. Entertainment.ie gives a detailed review of the evening on their events page, describing it as being “In the bar.” This express promise of an old-time hootenany should be the only reason you need to get down there for unadulterated hooley. Gradual Duck Implementation Scheme at the New LakeIn the spirit of Halloween, UCD has paid homage to Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds by gradually increasing the population of ducks living in the vicinity of the new lake, until they will most likely experience a psychotic break and immediately peck out the eyes of the entire student body. Despite our near and present danger, this is a positive move, because ducks are cute. NOT HOTDisappearance of Mike Tyson’s Sex EnergyIf you haven’t gotten to experience the mind-blowing taste of Mike Tyson’s Sex Energy, you’ve missed a huge opportunity, since the popular energy drink has recently disappeared from shops. With absolutely no indication over why this may be, hundreds upon thousands of disappointed drinkers of Mike Tyson’s Sex Energy have had to resort to other, less sexual energy drinks. Apart from in Poland, where Mike Tyson’s Sex Energy is soon to be awarded the title of National Beverage. Nano Domestic QuellThis is the American government’s secret plan to take down future anarchists by way of an Armageddon nano device that gives them the flu. Exposed by self-described “lawyer, doctor and media watchdog” Dr Bill H. Weld, the controversy has all the makings of a poorly executed sci-fi film, undertaken entirely through the blog of a yuppie. Thus making the nano domestic quell this issue’s Yuppie Conspiracy Of The Fortnight. Blood Transfusion HacksNot to say a word against the important cause of donating blood, it’s a potentially life-saving deed that exhibits selflessness and compassion, and the Irish Blood Transfusion Service do tireless work motivating the public consciousness to donate blood for the good of the colony. But why are they pushing donations so close to Halloween? And why is that Dr. Acula lad on their team so friendly? Because they’re blood-robbing fiends is why. Death to all vampires!