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Several members of USI have been spotted hiding in bushes across the Belfield campus in an attempt to encourage UCD students to vote YES in the upcoming referendum to rejoin USI.
The Harpy has received several reports from traumatised students that members of USI have been jumping out of bushes to persuade for a YES vote. One student told The Harpy that a man “too old to be considered a student” jumped out of the bushes next to the secret lake, pleading “please for the love of God just vote in this referendum. I don’t care what you vote for, just let the suffering end.”
In a comment provided to The Harpy, the Returning Officer, NOEoin Heffernan said, “The presence of USI members is forbidden on my campus because I say so. I already told them to f*ck off in 2013.”
An investigative reporter for The Harpy set about finding the USI member “too old to be considered a student” for an exclusive interview. Our reporter was stunned to find a trail of Clifford The Big Red Dog merch down by the secret lake. At the end of the trail, our reporter found USI President Chris Clifford rocking back-and-forth with his head in his hands, mumbling the words, “It’s only €5, It’s only €5, It’s only €5”
It was at this point the Returning Officer NOEoin Heffernan descended from the sky riding the SU banner from the James Joyce library like Aladdin’s magic carpet. The Harpy can report that the banner Heffernan was flying on is a mock-up for next year’s banner, and includes six pictures of Michael Roche’s face.
NOEoin and Chris Clifford then shared an unlikely bromantic hug, reminiscent of that between Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist at the end of Challengers (what a movie btw)
Without saying a word, NOEoin then returned to his magic banner, only to find his journey back to his office was obstructed by Saskia McCormack-Eiffe, who was lying in the middle of the road. When asked if this was to protest the lack of traffic lights near the Village, she responded, “No, I just like lying on roads.”
And they all lived happily ever after