Harpy Exclusive: UCDSU President Michael Roche has been kidnapped.
In the latest act of aggression by the United States, UCDSU President Michael Roche has been kidnapped, The Harpy can confirm.
This operation comes after weeks of Roche pledging to resist “Yankee imperialism” and to “never surrender” the vast livestock reserves on Belfield campus, which many independent watchdog organisations report are being stored in Roche’s personal security compound in the Wexford countryside.
According to a very reliable source speaking on the condition of anonymity, Roche’s location was easily overrun by American Forces due to his security system being “highly transparent, as all things should be”. U.S. President Donald Trump posted a picture to Truth Social of Roche in custody aboard the USS Miranda Bauer.
“We were really just in the area after that whole Maduro thing and figured it would be a good idea to kill two birds with one stone-- or, really, feed two birds with one seed, to be environmentally friendly about it," said U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio. “We look forward to working with the interim Students Union president to establish exclusive mineral rights to the Belfield area.”
The Harpy reporters spent press time vacationing in Greenland.