UO Launches OnlyFans account

As inflation grows, the University Observer is looking for alternative solutions to gain more funds.

These are trying times. And we live in a society. Social media, AI and the likes have resulted in print newspapers feeling outdated and unnecessary. The University Observer clearly didn’t get the memo, and they pride themselves on their physical copies - which turn into dust settlers in the office not even two days after they arrive on campus. But printing is expensive, perhaps even more than keeping up the appearance of being a  capital “N” Newspaper. Thus, to ensure additional funds for the academic year ahead, the incoming Observer team has decided to set up the official UO OnlyFans account. 

Membership types are still being debated amongst upper-editorial, especially with regards to their ultimate purposes. For instance, Editor-in-Chief Tessa Ndjonkou wants the highest membership tier to be enough to cover printing costs well into Volume XXXI, whilst Deputy Editor Ilaria Riccio wants to channel her inner interior designer and re-decorate the entire office. One thing both Editor and Deputy agree on, however, is that they will publicly justify the different costs as an investment for the future of the paper by having greater funds for printing and maintaining the website, whilst also saving enough to stock up the fridge for coffee mornings and actually deliver the team merchandise they promise every year. Tessa Ndjonkou and Ilaria Riccio are both aware that their version is not believable since nobody ever shows up to coffee mornings, and they can already feel their nostrils filling up with the sweet taste of expired milk.

Who will create content for the UO OnlyFans is also currently being debated. The different rounds of applications this summer were actually cover-ups for all the times Editor and Deputy brought forward the idea to the team they had just hired, who kindly declined the offer once they realised what they had signed up for. According to a Harpy source, at least six people are now on board, so stay tuned for the Freshers’ Week-exclusive content. Furthermore, the absence of a social media manager will make for interesting content choices. A source, who wishes to remain anonymous, told the Harpy that Editor and Deputy approached them with the offer of running the UO OnlyFans, but declined once they found out that the only proposed payment option was a broken mug with the name of previous team members. These aforementioned mugs have been laying in the office and nobody knows how to get rid of them. Alas, it appears they will remain in their place for a while longer. 

Whilst this measure is provisional for the time being, we cannot deny we are excited - and slightly aroused - at the prospect of the quality content the Observer will share this year.