After reports that students rooms had been bugged in an attempt to capture audio of hazing rituals conducted by the all-male Knights of the Campanile society, the staff of the Trinity-based University Times have been announced as the new recruits to the US Federal Bureau of Investigation's (FBI) devision that watch you on your laptop’s webcam.
In a statement released this morning, the FBI announced that all of their operatives will be phased out in favour of the editorial team of the Student Union-funded paper, due to them being “simply better at spying on unsuspecting students than we ever could be.” The statement praised their former agents for “years of working towards making constant 24/7 surveillance the norm,” and wished the staff of The University Times the best of luck in “continuing the bureau’s proud tradition of making everyone afraid to carry a smartphone or say anything in the privacy of their own home.”
The bugging incident occurs a year after the student-run newspaper came under controversy for causing the SU to run a deficit of €16,569, after spending several thousand on tight black clothing and night vision goggles.
Speaking at a press conference in an undisclosed black site, Director of the FBI John C. Spiely heaped praise on the paper. “We’re tremendously proud of the staff at The University Times after all they’ve accomplished as a blooming intelligence agency” said Director Spiely. “In addition to new services like secretly installing video cameras in your shower, The University Times will still provide all the services you know and love from the previous little man in your webcam; critiquing your memes; looking through your messages in order to create a file about you for the US government, and to recommending you fetish gear off of Wish.com, after listening to you tell your friend about that weird sex thing you did in Amsterdam during summer break.”
When asked why the information gathered would be sent to US officials and not Irish ones, Mr. Spiely simply shrugged and asked if we wanted to buy a bag of weed, promising he “totally wasn’t a cop."
Later it was discovered that Ben Arrowsmith, President of the invite-only sporting-society and fledgling BDSM sex club The Knights of the Campanile, had disappeared after witnesses saw him being dragged out of his home naked and into an unmarked white van.
When asked about this, the University Times and FBI sent a joint statement back to The Harpy, saying that Arrowsmith had taken on an “extended deep sea diving vacation” and “wouldn’t be able to respond to anything for some time”, further adding that we shouldn’t follow up on the story any because it would be “a shame if the friends and family of The Harpy suddenly disappeared while deep sea diving too."
The Harpy also reached out to Trinity News regarding the bugging controversy, however we could not discern what was being said on the phone over the sound of loud cheering and champagne corks popping.