University Observer and Students Union Involved in Ritualistic Human Sacrifices?

Image Credit: Dalton Smith via Unsplash

A speculative investigation by Francesca Hoden.

For a number of years, diligent followers of the two campus newspapers, and their unofficial feud, would have been able to notice a puzzling pattern of events. While the team at The College Tribune continues from one academic year into another almost completely unchanged, with virtually no rotation in staff or contributors, the University Observer’s chief and section editors are newly appointed each academic year. The rotation does not spare contributors either, although one would assume that at least some contributors would continue writing for the Observer during their time as students of UCD, which, more often than not, spans multiple years. However, the list of re-appearing names is relatively short. Or has anyone recently read a piece by, say, Amina Awartani? Precisely.

So why does the Observer have such a high turnover of staff and contributors? And why are former staff members never to be seen or heard from again after leaving the Observer

This writer believes that it is due the Observer’s involvement in ritualistic human sacrifices, a practice that is deeply ingrained within their structure and goals as a college publication. How else would you explain the lack of continuity in the University Observer’s staff and contributors? How else would you explain the almost cult-like dedication the current staff and contributors have to the newspaper? How else would you explain that the Observer, compared to its main competitor the College Tribune, consistently produces articles of higher quality, social relevance, and journalistic finesse?

The theory is as follows: at the beginning of each academic year, the former Editor in Chief and Deputy Editor, as well as most other former section editors of the University Observer, are sacrificed in a ritualistic fashion to a yet unknown being in one of UCD’s four lakes (most likely the Science one). This ritual, most likely performed by the new staff and remaining members, serves multiple purposes. First, it swears in the new staff of the Observer in a perverse team building exercise akin to hazing. Second, it successfully rids the newspaper of previous editors who may or may not have fallen out of line during the preceding academic year. Third, it keeps remaining and new members in check, while also keeping those who leave the newspaper quiet under the threat of being the next victims. And fourth, it supposedly brings the newspaper good fortune for the upcoming academic year. 

How could such a cruel practice have been established? That remains to be uncovered. What is almost certain, however, is that the UCD Students’ Union, the benefactors of the University Observer, are somehow involved, or at least knowledgeable of these sacrifices.

However, it is never too late to break this cycle of violence. This writer urges the current Editor in Chief and Deputy and any other editors or contributors of the University Observer, to come forward, break their silence, and help bring an end to this cruel practice. After all, if they continue as if no nefarious activities are going on, they will be next.