UCDSU promotes sex

UCDSU have become embroiled in controversy this week, after shock revelations that the organisation promoted the practice of sexual intercourse amongst students.

Parent’s groups initially raised the alarm after an unnamed first year science student, known as “Ms. X”, returned home to her family, with burning questions about masochism, foot fetishes, and “that lil’ dangly thang that swing in the back of my throat.”

Upon further investigation of the SU offices, the Harpy found evidence of condoms, a key sex tool that young sex enjoyers use to attack the virgin pure, by filling them with water and throwing them at celibates.

As well as this, a suspiciously-named society has provoked ire and consternation amongst students and staff.

The “LGBTQ+ society” seems like a regular enough society at first, but if you look a little closer, you will see that those letters at the start form an acronym. This could potentially stand for numerous sex-encouraging messages. For example, has anyone considered “Lets Get Busy Tonight- Quickie?” as a possible meaning? I hadn’t thought so.

Hiding in plain sight folks, hiding in plain sight.

It seems that sex is all about UCD, ready to pounce on the unwary. Even the naked man statue at Sutherland, appears to be nakedly heading towards a sexual tryst, and not towards a law lecture at all.

The Harpy recently discovered an internet page on the dark web, by the name of “UCD crushes”, which purports to show user’s disgusting sexual feelings towards other students. While outraged by the content on this page, this reporter was also slightly disappointed not to have any confessions at all written about me, despite the fact that I wore cute bum-hugging blue leggings all week, but it's fine, whatever, I don’t even care about it.

If you have been having sexual feelings, or know of anyone in this unfortunate situation, please reach out to our helpline at 018 6969696, or send an email to UCDAlgebraclub@gmail.com.