UCD returns to campus without a hitch - The Harpy

UCD welcomed a smooth return to campus earlier this week, with module registration, social distancing, and orientation all going perfectly.

In an email sent to all students, Dean of Students Jason Last stated “It is important to remember that in these trying times we are truly all in this together. Students can rest assured that the new €7.5 million office extension for President Andrew Deeks was worth every penny. Without it we couldn’t have kept the students informed all summer of UCDs definite plans”.

Newly-anointed Students’ Union President and CEO Conor Anderson was equally positive. “Online orientation is just another step in the proud SU tradition of doing something by not actually doing anything. With module registration dealt with, we can finally focus on the real struggle: pretending to fight class war”.

Students themselves also have no criticism of the return whatsoever. “Almost none of my core classes clashed,” said a nursing student, adding; “having online lectures separated from in-person classes by ten minutes has really motivated me to take up jogging”. A second-year veterinary student commented; “And here I was, thinking academics defeated by PowerPoint wouldn’t be able to rewrite and deliver entire syllabuses online. What a fool I was”

One Business and Law Student who didn’t wish to be named was openly relieved; “If Aramark are gone and I can’t support all the great work they do, what’s the point in even being on campus anyway?” Another unnamed student studying a sell-out degree added “With the price I’m paying for campus accommodation, every second spent outside of my bedroom is money wasted!” 

It is understood that meetings of the University Management Team (UMT) now begin with prayers to both Simon Harris and Moloch, begging for enough international students to keep the university solvent.

When reached for comment, UCD President Andrew Deeks stated “Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make”.