University College Dublin declared independence from the Republic of Ireland, The Harpy has learned. It is understood that President Andrew Deeks did this under “Delegated Authority” between meetings of the Governing Authority.
In an email to all students, Andrew Deeks announced that he was changing his title from ‘President’ to ‘God Emperor’. Sources close to Irish President Micheal D. Higgins say he has welcomed the move, allegedly rejoicing “Good riddance to the little Aussie bastard". (RIP Síoda)
When The Harpy asked God Emperor Deeks what motivated this surprise move, he replied “Why be a president, when you can be a god?” When asked if this was symptomatic of a Napoleon Complex, God Emperor Deeks denied the allegation, adding, unprovoked, that the platform shoes he had purchased on expenses were “for one of my mates”. UCD did not formally reply to any further requests for comment from The Harpy, instead sending single line emails which read “Get fucked, you nerd!”
Speaking to journalists who are less critical of him, God Emperor Deeks has signalled that women’s rights were to be the new state’s number one priority. “I’ve met some really banging Sheilas in my time, and if they’re not happy then crikey I’d be a bad bloke not buying them some shoes or something”.
Several Agriculture students who found themselves trapped in the new country took to the streets in protest, demanding the right to “visit mammy without a visa.” The struggle for dual citizenship has sparked protests in different parts of Ireland, with mammies campaigning for the right of their babbies, with one Kerry mammy telling The Harpy “Sure doesn’t my wee Seamus not know how to do the laundry without me, he’s too young to have a wife to do that for him yet”.