UCD Clubhouse to be replaced by new Clayton Hotel - The Harpy

Students were left bereft after only what can be described as another nail in the coffin for Dublin nightlife, when the iconic UCD Clubhouse bar announced that it would be closing its doors for the final time this May. In a lengthy Facebook post, the owners apologised to fans but said that the offer they had received from Clayton Hotels was far too high to turn down. “We thought that raising the price of Foster’s by another 10c would have done more, but the truth is, we aren’t turning enough of a profit to reject such a lucrative deal.”

Needless to say, many die-hard fans of the Clubhouse have taken up arms in protest at the cultural loss to UCD. On Twitter, Kneecap have come under fire as ‘the straw that broke the camels back’, with several users ascribing the Clubhouse’s closure to their "uncouth Fenian antics." Kneecap’s responses thus far have done nothing but escalate the situation, following heavy-handed comments that “UCD is almost as West-Brit as Trinity, and their proddy bar can get t’f**k."

Others have sought to pin the blame on President Deeks, asserting that the incident mirrors the closure of the UCD Common room earlier this year. When contacted for statement, Deeks flatly denied the claims:

“That’s completely untrue, I was initially quite opposed to the sale of the Clubhouse. In fact, I had already earmarked that land for the new Sun Tzu cultural exchange centre. Having the Clayton take over instead has caused no small international embarrassment with our Chinese partners. It was only after continuous accommodation requests from the student body that we on the board realised that a hotel was exactly what UCD needed.”

When asked why he had felt the need for a second Chinese Studies building, Deeks apologised, remarking that he didn’t understand the question.

The Clayton Hotel has released a press statement saying it is delighted to be expanding to yet another Dublin branch, as it gets them one step closer to having a branch on every street in the city. Early projections say they will aim to be fully operational by November 2019. Students may be somewhat mollified to hear that the hotel will include a fully operational bar, complete with a 10% discount for all Chinese students. However, current investigation into other Clayton bars have revealed a dearth of Foster’s and Beamish on tap – we can just hope that these issues are addressed during construction.

While many are saddened to see the Clubhouse go, others have taken a more positive attitude. UCD Societies Officer, Richard Butler, stated he was in full support of the new Clayton:

“For years now, it’s been getting steadily harder for students to hook up with sexual partners in UCD. Campus security has been getting steadily more vigilant about guests entering student accommodations, and the secret lake should probably be renamed, there is so much foot traffic around there now. The Clayton will open up new avenues for members of the UCD bubble to avoid these increasing constraints on sexual autonomy.”

When asked for comment on the situation, UCDSU President Barry Murphy, had this to say:

“To be honest, I don’t give a f**k. You people expect me to solve everything, don’t you? I’ve been on this Union for two years. One more month and I’m pretty much done. We got you microwaves, didn’t we? Isn’t that enough? If you want drink just buy some from Higgin’s.”

The rumour mill is churning, and some speak of the mysterious Belfield Bootleggers as a potential solution. Could this underground black market which has founded its trade in Coca Cola and sugar-filled soft drinks within Newman basement be our last hope for a cold one on campus? It’s too soon to say, but with no concrete solution in sight, it appears that UCD may be hitting the dry spell that anyone with a Tinder account knows all too well. So tonight, or the next time you’re sat with a pint, spare a thought for the Clubhouse, and the students in it – soon to be bereft of the place they love. It’s a sobering thought.

Edit: This is obviously true, please stop asking

Actual edit: This is obviously not true, please stop asking

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