UCD have announced a bid to host the 2030 FIFA World Cup, after running out of plausible ways to blow Student Centre Levy funds.
In an exclusive with the Harpy, a UCD 2030 campaign insider expressed his support for the bid. “The boss is a big fan of feet, and an even bigger fan of balls, so a foot-ball World Cup? Christ, he’d have it in his backyard if he could.”
After listing some of his favourite World Cup players, which included “Michael Jordan, Rey Mysterio and probably Elton John”, acting President of UCD Mark Rodgers concluded that the bid represented a major opportunity for UCD “to increase revenue, and community spirit or whatever other unimportant bullshit students moan on about.”
FIFA have acknowledged receipt of the bid, but are hesitant about the move. According to a spokesperson, “The World Cup has in recent years been hosted by Russia, so a World Cup in Dublin could really drop the high standards set by Putin’s brilliant and peaceful regime.” Going further, he stated that “UCD is only the second most corrupt three-lettered acronym in Ireland, behind the FAI, and we at FIFA generally only deal with the best.”
The bid will still be officially considered, though it is worried that hosting the event so close to Stillorgan could tarnish FIFA’s reputation.
Meanwhile, preparations are underway to renovate UCD’s Belfield Bowl, though this is against FIFA guidelines, as workers are expected to be paid and provided with a safe working environment. As well as this, members of the LGBT community would be expected to be welcomed at a Dublin-based event, sharply contradicting FIFA standards.
The world cup kicks off in Qatar this month. We at the Harpy wish that that was satire.