Been dealing with da huns problems since 445AD… Ur resident agony aunt & Hunnic Emperor lol! Don’t mess wit my girlos or I’ll wreck u like I wrecked da city of Aquileia . xoxo. Tweet me! 

Hi Hun!
I’m in a hoop over what to wear for Halloween. Usually I’d go fer a stunnah black dress and like flowers or some shit painted on my face, but everyone’s getting mad creative this year and I want it to look like I came up with something artsy. I can’t think of anything decent that doesn’t involve layers, and that’s obviously a spastic move cos I’ve got class tits. What’ll make it look like I gave a shit about the costume in a way that still looks glam??
Elvira xxx


Howiye hun,
Here stop, I used to be given so much shit for wearing the most cinch-waist armour we had back when we were hoppin’ on the Balkans. They were decking us with bone laths and all this, but the mesh bodysuit I was wearing had this mad cute keyhole detail so I couldn’t not wear it like?

Me and the girls sacked Margus and Viminacium cos they were too distracted tryin’ to get stuck in to us, and also because we had a reserve of rolling siege towers. But like, don’t let anyone tell you not to get yer pair out because it only does everyone a favour.

Try anything that can be bodypainted on, that way you can completely pull off a mad decent costume without havin to look like a dope


Story hun,
Me and the girlos were out on a massive one last week in town, we were still buzzin at 3 after everywhere was closing and we stalled it to this ropey afterparty. It seemed grand when the hotzer on Abbey Street told us about it, but once I shook the bogey Mickey Finns head offa me I saw that yer man wasn’t even alright-looking, and the afterparty was shit.

Ye wouldn’t even mind but they were playing Nelly, and they were seriously overcharging for cans and blow. Could I bring a case to the Consumer Rights Agency, and if so, how do I find where the fuck it was again?


C’mere to me hun,
Poxy afterparties are the worst, for a tenner in, you’d think they’d even give ye a free smoke or something… One time after we captured Metz we threw a filthy massive night in the Generator after, even set up a livestream to the slaughter of Nicasius in Rheims.

It was mad craic until we got shut down early after someone told the guards about the Baked Sale we set up, since when do you even need a licence for that at an illegal underground rave?  I brought the case to the OmbudsHun, but I was still off my face at the time so they didn’t take me seriously…

You definitely have a case against Mickey Finns, ‘cos anything you do after downin’ that is officially their liability. Get in touch with Citizens Information and scope out their afterparty refunds policy and their Mickey Finns Third Party Liability policy.

At the very least you’ll get a pack of Dutch Gold or something.
‘Tila xoxo