“They’ve got my family tied up in a cellar”: We interview the student who willfully dressed up as the Swan for Open Day

UCD Open day marked a fantastic opportunity for the University to shed its image as a cold, corporate, elitist hellhole, and though this opportunity was blown completely, there were some notable highlights on the day.

In particular, the dancing swan mascot outside O’Reilly hall brought great joy to the five-year-olds and Americans who lap that shit up.

Speaking with the Harpy, Mr. Swan had much to say about the recruitment process, and why he thinks UCD is such a great place to study. “It smells like ballsack in here”, he reported. “They’ve got my family tied up in the tunnels underneath Newman, and they told me I had to dress up as the swan for open day or else ‘bad things would happen’.” 

Elaborating, he told us that “You gotta help me, I haven't stopped dancing for 16 hours, and I think this suit has given me gonorrhea.”

Going further, he told of how after his initial refusals, he received an envelope containing what appeared to be a human finger. Waking up the next morning in Glenomena, he was shocked to discover the decapitated head of a swan in his bed.

Speaking to UCD head of recruitment, Johnny “the enforcer” Carbinetti, the Harpy was told to “Stop busting my balls” and that “a little business had to get done, and a little business got done, capisce? An offer was made that he couldn’t refuse.”

Seeing to it that his duties as UCD’s swan were completed, it has since been confirmed to the Harpy that all of the mascot’s family have been returned. According to UCD recruitment, all evidence of the mascot’s employment has been “accidentally maliciously destroyed”.

In totally unrelated news, UCD recruitment have announced that they will be now running the SU shops, which are to be made cash-only, a move we are told has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with money laundering.