Arts Soc’s recent performative male contest made waves throughout campus, receivingwide renown and praise. Craving a bit of praise ourselves, we embarked on launching our oncompetition. However, it would come out that UCD estates has banned, in circumstancesplagued with intrigue and conspiracy.
Arts Soc’s recent performative male contest was a roaring success, hailed as “fun” and a
“good laugh” by all involved. Empathy was found, femininity was embraced, and a raucous
time was had by all.
Inspired by the praise (and craving public approval), we at The Harpy decided to rob the idea
outright and launch our own contest. But before we’d even empathised a period, UCD Estates
summoned us for a stern meeting. Not only was our event banned, but no performative male
contests are to be held thus forth.
Estates claim financial grounds for the ban, with an estimated €100,000 worth of damages.
Contributing to this figure was large-scale grass sitting, which has damaged the flaura for
years to come.
Having become experts in judging performativity, we knew ourselves that this explanation
was merely a front. Our suspicions were confirmed upon receiving a tip from an estate
whistleblower.
The tip has alleged that lobbyists from multiple industries have infiltrated Estates thinking.
Representatives of Big Tobacco, Big Matcha and Big Feminism have significantly altered
decision making, with the understanding that such contests can break their bottom line. The
following industry quote, obtained by the whistle-blower in an estate transcript, clearly
outlines this thinking:
“If we keep letting them take the piss out of performative men, the whole business goes bust.
These lads only buy our stuff 'cause they think it'll get them a ride. If we start mocking them,
the market dries up!”
As it stands, performativity is dead on campus, yet we must live in hope that change will
come.