The entire writing and editorial staff of The College Tribune are infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters, The Harpy has learned.

By Ernest Rimmington | Feb 18 2020

A series of leaked videos, which have all been independently verified, show that the office of The College Tribune in the basement of the Newman building is connected to a secret room containing infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters. Harpy reporters have also managed to gain access to the secret room and have described it as “whack shit” and “almost the size of Deeks’s office”.

It can further be reported that The College Tribune’s discoveries that An Cuas was removed and that UCD violated GDPR with the Belfield papers were made by an escaped tamarin who taught himself human culture on Reddit who is now posing as a PPE student. At this time it is still unclear if anyone gives a shit about either story.

Speaking to The Harpy, Professor Issac Schofeild of the UCD School of Mathematics explained “The infinite monkey theorem states that if infinite monkeys had infinite typewriters, one would almost surely type out the complete works of Shakespeare ''. He went on to explain “As we got this complete fucking drivel instead of Shakespeare, we in mathematics are going to have to completety rewrite our understanding of probability, and monkeys”.

Members of UCD’s small and irritating vegan community have condemned the captivity of monkeys on campus, with spokesperson Matthew Rose Nel describing it as “modern day slavery”, as well as making other, even more insensitve and problematic refrences comparing animal cruelty to atrocities commited against human beings.

In response to a request for comment from The Harpy regarding these revelations, editor of The College Tribune Conor Capplis said “I think we should be able to debate these things, and like, yeah, you make some interesting points. Is it animal cruelty to keep infinite monkeys chained up in a basement in Newman? I don’t know the answer, really. I’m going to think about the points you made in this interesting debate we had, and I hope you think about the points I made also. Are we still cool?”

UCD President Andrew Deeks was also approached for comment, but instead hissed menacingly before unhinging his lower jaw and swallowing one of the monkeys whole like a fucking anaconda or something.