Thousands of articles have been written on healthy eating, the importance of exercise and even self-defence, but Foil Arms and Hog have to offer a universal one-stop-shop article to avoiding death wholesale
They say, “Nothing is certain but death and taxes.” Well then, may we present to you this scenario: A man needs to pay for his medical expenses to cure his disease and the only way he can afford it is by skipping his tax payments, thus, he avoided death and taxes, or ‘daxes’ if you will. What we learn from this is that death isn’t certain at all and with the following six tips you’ll be guaranteed an eternity of good health and fortitude.
This is the silent killer. Never stand too close to someone doing electrical engineering, death by boredom is a very real thing. Even over-hearing snippets of an elec-eng conversation can be enough to maim the brain. Similarly, never watch the antiques roadshow for too long unless you’re using the app to bet on the value of the items, totally different experience.
This is key, but attention must be drawn to the types of physical exercise you choose. For example, while hugely beneficial to arteries and the cardiovascular system, running head-on into a moving train is ultimately counterproductive and should be avoided. Other exercises to avoid include bullet chasing, volcano swimming, cliff falling and boules (see: Boredom).
While generally considered non-fatal, there is a report of a man in Peru who was so uncoordinated, that he shaved off his entire face. A fund was raised by his village to send him to the best hospital in neighbouring Argentina, however, upon reaching the border he was denied entry as his face didn’t match that of his passport.
This is a sure fire way to avoid death, thanks to reincarnation. The only drawback of course is that you may come back as a shoelace; I’m not sure what the rules are.
Avoid horrible jagged or itchy tags on t-shirts. If the stress of these unnecessary torture devices doesn’t get you then the blood loss from their multiple stab wounds will. “This is made from 50% polyester” Who gives a fuck?!
Be wary of games such as Angry Birds and Plants vs. Zombies where you may find yourself caught in an I-can’t-stop-playing-even-though-I’m-hungry situation. Games like these have taken many lives simply by being over stimulating the brain beyond the need for food, water or relationships. Some individuals have even found that they had begun playing in autumn and only stopped because of a power cut in summer.
So there you have it, a completely comprehensive way to staying alive for ever. If you feel that we’ve missed anything then please let us know by email firstname.lastname@example.org