The Badger can dig faster than any human with a shovel. But d’ya know what? Ashley Cole isn’t all that bad at diggin’ holes…

B’jaysus. Portsmouth Football club are in one hell of a mess. The Badger can’t remember seeing any entity managed worse than this disgrace of a football club. Everyone at Pompey should be ashamed of themselves that they’ve let the club’s situation reach a newfound low. Some teams should really know their limits and just settle for the status of ‘Championship relegation contenders’, and save us all the bother of worrying about them.

The entire club has just turned into a parasitic cash-sucking charity that approaches you in the middle of the street with their clipboard and asks you to sign-up to a direct debit payment of €30 per month for the next 26 years. Normally when these kind of humanitarian simpletons advance, people put their heads down and ignore the situation, but the Badger isn’t regular folk.

Everytime they interupt his day with “Hi, how are you? Would you like to support the global war on cancer?”, or “Support victims of solar flares in Tahiti!”, the Badger likes to remind them that they are as useful to society as used toilet roll is at curing tuberculosis. Unfortunately many of these exuburent individuals are popping up around Belfield at the moment, and the Badger is getting really sick of them.

So as always, he has taken it upon himself to fix the entire problem and one by one sort out each charity in order of patheticness. Obviously he will start with the giant elephant in the room – that is, Pompey FC. Hypothetically, if the Badger was in charge of the club, things would naturally be running a whole lot smoother. The first point of order would see the Badger adding some wealth to his name with a stereotypical Abu Dhabi twinge. Sheikh Halal Badger Yum! has a nice Middle Eastern ring to it and would be the instigator of much change at Fratton Park.

In a clean swipe, Sheikh Halal Badger Yum! would get rid of the deadwood hanging around the club. The smelly man who incessantly rings his bell throughout games, Mr Portsmouth Football club, will be driven from the club and have ‘The Saints” tattooed across his forehead. The Badger cannot confirm that this man actually smells, but he has the smelly look about him that Russell Brand also possesses.

Next on the agenda is more deadwood in the rigid shape of David James. Being literally the only surviving member of the England under-29 team that competed against Scotland in literally the first ever game of football in 1887 BC, he is starting to stink the place up. These two alterations to the core of the club will create a positive breath of fresh air and optimism throughout the set-up, and allow for the final stage of the masterplan to begin.

One point that is constantly raised in every article maligning the Badger’s latest prized asset highlights the fact that Portsmouth do not have any corporate boxes in their dilapidated stadium. Well, the Badger sees it differently. When he looks out on the pitch he doesn’t just see grass and white lines, he sees an opportunity. Out on that pitch, there are, in fact, eleven portable corporate boxes ready to be snapped up by the highest bidder. In short, the Badger will be auctioning off places in his club’s team and give the overweight oil barons of this world the chance to see their heroes up close and personal.

No doubt this ingenious innovation is going to bring in billions of revenue that will boost Pompey back to the good days of 2008. This can then be reinvested in the club’s squad, opening the door for ‘Arry Redknapp to return, be allowed squander the generated revenue on needless signings, reach a meaningless cup final, leave the club and its overpayed players behind, and then… well… the club is right back in the same position of nearly going out of business. Funny how life goes in circles.

Sent from The Badger’s  iPhone