Tallyrand: XXVIII - Issue 3

Seasons greetings and festive salutations to you!

I shan’t insult you by acting as if I still need to introduce myself, and it’s not like I am bothering to learn your name, either. In the eternal duel between merriment and humbugary this season brings, I am firmly on the side of merriment for me, humbugary for thee.

Speaking of merriment, Carlsberg Chunderson has been enjoying herself if late, proud that  a themed week so dull that the attendees didn’t realise it was happening went by without a hitch large enough for anyone to notice. These people aren’t good enough for wine and cheese. I’d feel it a waste to give them Galahad and crisps, personally. I’ve spent a lot of time with the PhD students who care about the SU, and my only impression is that they are both really annoying.

Far more fun than sharing time with those freaks is standing at the back laughing at the weirdos attending Furrys And Gigolos week. I say, the perversion and godlessness on display at those workshops astounded me. I never thought one of those could fit up there! Bravo to the organisational work of Molly Greengoblin and Sarah Bitchalot, for teaching us all nothing, but providing us with the riveting entertainment of freshers who can’t talk to the opposite gender learning what felching is.

On the topic of entertaining, guess what Trade Union Week wasn’t! Poor Komrade Horkan, his beloved Trade Union movement betrayed by students who, predictably, hate the working class almost as much as they hate nerds. With a range of guest speakers so impressive even he couldn’t remember their names. Not that it matters, At least the apparatchik will be happy with a high turn out for class rep by-elections this week. Someone might even show up to vote!

Away from the strange world of the rest of student politics we find the political leviathan of UCDSU itself, Aoife Kraken. Pulling the strings across the union as if it were merely polsoc, which she also still holds the keys to power to, the only joy she seeks this Christmas is a well executed coup. While everyone thinks she is attending meetings with management about exams and complaints and other official business, she hides away, training in the ways of Roger Stone, preparing herself for 4 dimensional chess against her political rivals.

Exciting as all this gets, the most important member of the SU team is their leader and father figure Rory Powerless. Since his run in with Keegie last month, he’s been flying under the radar, hoping I don’t notice him and call him names. Unfortunately for him, I’m a well seasoned bully and am perfectly capable of calling him a pansy without tying it in with current affairs.

I’d like to offer my sincere Christmas wishes to all of you readers.

I wish you all suffer in amusing ways for my entertainment this Christmas.

Tally Ho and Tally Out