Greetings and salutations,
‘Tis I, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord, the most esteemed ghost to have ever haunted the tunnels of UCD. Did you miss me? While you were gone, I constructed a dome, Simpsons style, to cover our soon to be treeless campus, in my noblest of attempts to keep the disease (and Darryl) out.
For those of you new to campus, Allow me to introduce myself: I am your one true guide to the goings on in UCD that everyone else in this rag is too scared to print.
Allow me to start with this juicy gossip: SU President Ruairí Powermad has spent €8,000 having leaflets printed instructing students to follow his Twitter, which is really nothing when you realise he has offered €46,000 p/a of YOUR money for a manager for his multiple twitter accounts.
Let’s swiftly move on from such scandal to a much better sabbatical officer: Molly RedWhiteAndBlueogh; who is commemorating those lost on 9/11 by flying an aeroplane into the new student accommodation later this week. Finally, a political act from the union that isn’t pussyfooted!
Speaking of pussyfooted, I must warn ye of your pitiful Champagne Socialist officer Daryl Horny, the second big man on campus to owe child support to some twitter thot. So much for socialism, last I heard he was advocating firing all lecturers who so much look at a fee paying student funny. Too right! Says I.
Education officer Aoife CrackDen is also about, proving herself to be an interesting character, as long as you have an interest in the logistics of music festivals that won’t happen. Truely, I’m FASCINATED.
And what have we here? Carla ThunderBum, resurrected from the dead to do whatever it is she does. I think it’s related to other old people, or maybe it's scaring children. I can’t see why she bothers, getting a PhD from UCD is like getting cancer. It’s bad.
That’s it for gossip from the current sabbatical team, as I can’t think of anyone else close to interesting enough to bully, so I’ll tell my fellow old hats about last years team instead.
Conor Andy, former twink, current twas, perpetual twat, is back on campus! He just won't let go of student life and can be found still if you peak down the SU corridor.
That’s all I have time to write, so I can’t possibly engage you in the tale of ol’ Dick Butt getting off on student politics despite being 50. I must seek my editor, dragging him from the Newman basement where he is presumably choking on cock as per.