Greetings and contumelies,
It is I, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord, the most lucid man to e’er put pen to paper for this publication. Not, hard, for the dribbling half-wits who run this rag cast aspersions on the literate for calling themselves “writers”.
Alas, to my mission! To inform ye of the goings-on of this most austere institution. Ye shall never return to campus, so abandon hope now. Neither shall you get that No Detriment policy. Deeks told me so himself, he needs those repeat fees to carve a 12-foot marble statue of his manhood inside the University Club.
At least the Students' Union has promised to fight back. Ruairí Pooper says he will get a reply to one of his angry emails any day now, and that the SU is primed and ready for when this happens. Tally isn’t sure if he meant one sent to Mark Rogers or his own colleague.
Comrade Anderson has declared that UCDSU will now adhere to Marxist-Leninist-MacDonaldist thought, and as such all class reps are being offered workshops in class consciousness and online harassment. Having finally decided to attend Council, the ignored and ignorable Irish officer has promised to translate the foundationalist texts of M-L-McD thought into Irish, which with his work ethic should be finished by 3021.
In the much-maligned world of graduate students, Carla Bummerson has told Council that unfortunately, she couldn’t get any work done because 72% of grad students have been caught plagiarizing. There’s nothing wrong with swindling your professors, of course, but getting caught is unforgivable. If they had been less obvious in their intellectual theft, Carla would defineitily have had enough time to host an extra Zoom coffee morning.
Trotskyite agitator Gimli, son of Gloin, has once again tried to turn UCDSU into a communist front, but thankfully Sarah MissDalek has teamed up with the most powerful forces to counteract his efforts. UCDSU trade union week sounds drab, but UCDSU 'how to get a corporate gig' workshop sounds like it can fund my opium habit. EY is, as well as one of the worlds largest corporations, a great thing to yell at the poor as you celebrate your six-figure bonus during a global recession, so don’t ever let it be said that ENTS does nothing for students.
I haven’t forgotten about Leighton Gay, I just don’t have anything to report. They have stashed some pots and pans in an undisclosed location in Res, and have promised to get some external organisations to come and run their campaigns. Bravo, I say, I’m glad someone has learned how to doss off in this job.
Alas, I have naught left to say. I wish Hannah well with the last Trimester of her year-long Ferris Bueller tribute act, and I wish the students of UCD would stop their damn whinging.
Tally-ho, and Tally out