What ho ye saucey youths,
It is I, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord back again for my final printed installment before the frivolous and sanctimonious ‘joy of Christmas’ gets all too much and I retreat to hibernate in the UCD tunnels until the sickly lights and ghastly carols disappear for another nine months. Though I have to say Father Christmas has granted me my yuletide wish with a juicy story of monetary scandal. Deeksy weeksy has once again plundered students’ fees to write himself a big fat Australian cheque. With €7.5 million he redecorated his office, perhaps €11 million will service his car? With €11 mill, our resident Ozzie could afford to give every student €350, but why would he do that? Isn’t Simon the Vampire Harris already forking out a supposed two hundred and fifty yoyos.
As was to be expected UCDSU CEO Andy-Pandy saved the despondent and impoverished student populace with a strongly worded email.
To give credit where credit is due, all the sabbatical team seem to be busy and pretending to be working hard. UCDSU should give module credits to sabbaticals as part of a University Management course. Our favourite gingers have teamed up in an alliance, with the Layiton Grey and Bore-y Powerless hosting events to listen to the concerns of students, without having the means or impetus to fix any of their concerns. Bravo, my friends, a masterclass in running UCD.
Sarah MissedaLecture seems to have finally reared her head and begun running events. Maybe she found the time to read her work contract rather than just the handover notes from her predecessor and discovered that being an all-round legend wasn’t sufficient. In awkward silence, we watched her make a hot whiskey - with no instructions, just watched. And while speed-thanksgiving quizzing makes me want to swap places with the stuffed turkey, at least it was something.
Speaking of turkeys, our favourite sabat Bummerson was so busy running to and from SMURFIT and GEMs that she nearly didn’t have time to show off her Christmas Jumper. I have to remark, though, it is a pity there is no member of the Students’ Union team dedicated to helping the hordes of students with educational issues and the abandonment of the No Dim-wit policy. If only education was some fools remit. Ah well, not my problem.
And now my friends I will leave you with a rousing tune I heard while on my daily stroll through the basements of Ardmore House.
Until next time. CMdTP x
Jingle Pockets, Jingle Pockets, students come to me,
Oh what fun it is to be rich, when you get it all for free
Jingle Pockets, Jingle Pockets, eleven million more
Oh what fun it is to, it is to steal, from the ugly and from the poor