Tallyrand: The Election Special

Greetings, students,

And commiserations on once again having the worst options possible to represent you in the snake pit. 

Of course, I don’t for a moment trust you babbling apes to make up your own mind, so I have gone to the trouble of evaluating the candidates for you.

In all the uncontested races, I recommend voting for RON. RON is the only option not guaranteed to break election promises and waste YOUR money mucking about.

In the race for Campaigns & Engagement, Daryl Who-ran (last time and lost) is looking forward to defeating nobody and still getting the job. He will be well placed doing what he does best - accusing his comrades of touting and disloyalty to the party. Like Anderson and Lenin before him, Daryl is going to proclaim a mandate from the people with no demonstrable support, and as a revolutionary myself, I say more power to him!

In the race for Welfare we have but a single candidate also, and a law student at that. If Mawlie Greenoaf is nervous now, and she is, then she hasn’t the foggiest-fart of what’s going to hit her in the face soon enough. Hundreds of students whining about their insignificant nonsense. Pish! Why even have a welfare officer? In my day, if you couldn’t hack the academy, you had your father pay your tutors off!

Carlos Bummerson has decided to definightly stick with her role as Graduate Officer until her retirement next April. As part of the day trips she's planning she looks forward to visiting the castle ruins around the country which she fondly remembers being built and which I once used to enjoy a romp in.

Like all Education Officers before her, Aoife Bracken successfully got through her near-hour interview without saying anything interesting or inspiring. Hopefully she will be as successful as our current Education voice - she got through the whole year without saying anything at all! 

Ah, Ents Tsar Miss Dalek, it is great to know that she has learned a lot during her past year which she spent working hard organising Zoom calls. This year, she was able to name the UCD President and the Registrar. The Bursar and FRAMC don’t matter anyway - Liam Soil-ed-himself told her so, and he is peretttttty confident that, with his business skills, he will be President next year - and dealing with the people that actually matter, like Bertie Ahernia. 

As for the returning Entsman, she spoke about doing ‘more’ for her charity partnerships - which in my eyes is a good plan, as she raised a grand total of €1000 over the course of 9 months from a student population of over thirty thousand. Legend has it that over €600 was from what Jerry Mayo didn’t get to spend in the clubhouse. When asked, Entsman actually thinks she did a really good job and wouldn’t change anything, so either Entsman or I don’t quite understand what ‘more’ means.

In the contested races, I also strongly endorse the candidacy of RON.

He would do a better job at being progressive than Dev-loving Eddie Leonardo anyway. Like any Fianna Fail man, Leonard found himself some decent looking principles right around election time, and is happy to pretend he has always had them, at least until the ballot closes.

Rory Powerless is living up to the proud tradition of the suck-dems, and pretending to want the same thing as his Communist Colleagues while having even less of an idea about how to achieve it. 

As far as Liam Soil-ed-himself and Eddie Leonardo understand, there’s no real difference between Soc Dems, Communists and Women looking for the vote. Speaking of understanding, Soil-ed-himself didn’t seem to have much of that either. I’m glad to see someone is this god-awful excuse of a university has had a proper up-bringing close to my own; one of privilege, and pomp, and where financial hardship can be alleviated by asking nicely.

Whatever may come of this farce of an election, I look forward to another year of laughing at it from the outside while the drink-sodden suffragettes and sodomites of this rag allow me my column.

Au revoir, my baiseurs and baiseuses