Talleyrand
By Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord | Oct 14 2018
Rejoice, for your true lord on high has returned for another issue of this drivel, known as “student journalism”. Well, well, with all the comings and goings that has been happening, Talley has been binging the last few weeks from his timeless resting place. First off, Talley finds himself addicted to the new series of Real Housewives of UCD, for my regular fix of over the top drama. On the last episode, we were awaiting President Andrew Jamelia Deeks, head of the soccer mom socialites, to respond to the scathing letter from the union of Western and Eastern socialism that is Chairman Wolfgang Mau (I mean Marx). Sources close to the production have leaked to Talley that this will come to a head in the Winter finale, where Deeks is said to make a decision that will “have serious ramifications for the soccer moms in Newman.” I for one, am eagerly awaiting this next installment. But one can have too much drama in their lives - Talley wants to switch off from all the serious talk of “sheer disregard for academics.” Talley recommends that you tune into the sitcom It’s Hardly Ever Sunny in the SU, for all the hilarity of this slapstick comedy, that would make the Three Stooges blush. When last we caught up with the gang, they were divided between having their heads in the SilverClouds and taking their show on tour to Leinster House. Although even your least favourite, light hearted comedy isn’t immune to its fair share of drama behind the scenes. Rumours have circulated to all the gossip rags, that the show has been losing money due to lack of interest. C&C Officer and deputy producer Thomas Monaghan is said to be on thin ice with the rest of the production team for only rallying about 30 groupies for the show’s tour, with the show’s main competitor, USI, having flown out it’s team of around 6,000, to a rally in Dublin. Business class, no less. In a not so subtle case of foreshadowing for how the series will end, President and CEO, Barry Murphy, stated in an interview with TotallyLegit magazine, that “viewers should be able to share rooms if they want and not pay for houses that have luxurious swimming pools and bowling alleys.” He’s not fouling this eagle-eyed viewer who seems to have his head stuck further up in the SilverCloud than most. So what will the rest of the cast do, if this ensemble does go the way of Community? Well, Graduate Officer Niall Torris, has been spotted by the paps, dipping his toe into different media. Perhaps he’s looking into his own spin-off show, with a niche viewership. Torris, is attempting to do this, and revealing his age, by appealing to graduate students favourite form of intaking information: a radio show. Welfare Officer, Melissa Plunkett, is set to cut her losses with the show and has already begun to outsource her responsibility of student welfare. Having brought in a new service to teach students how to take care of their own wellbeing online, Plunkett has drastically cut her workload, and is set to be written out of the show. Managing to negotiate an attractive severance package for herself, Plunkett secured this income from creative mathematics in the “referral to outside counselling services” account. Talley can confirm that tickets were purchased from the welfare fund for a one way trip to the Caribbean. I wish her all the best and am delighted to see this sort of female empowerment and representation that is sorely lacking in today’s media. Stephen Crosby’s agent was not available to comment on his whereabouts during the rally, so Talley can only presume he’ll be in next week’s episode of Where Are They Now? On a sadder note, Talley regrets to announce the cancellation of his personal favourite guilty pleasure, G-Y-Mnastic! Talley was quite fond of this no nonsense, winner takes all show, but unfortunately, the show’s cult following was not enough for executives from cutting it from the weekly schedule it enjoyed last year. Showrunners are allegedly in court proceedings over releasing the rights, and the equipment, to other potential buyers. Rife with issues that never made it to air, this cancellation caused quite a stir when it occurred with everyone pointing blame at somebody else. Even certain publications were upset over the news, but whether that was because they didn’t break it first is still up for debate. Talley prays that someone will swoop in and save the show in some form, as having to stop living vicariously through fictional characters in unrealistic scenarios hardly bears thinking about. Talley just isn’t ready to change his diet of popcorn and wine just yet. Talley-out!