Tallyrand: XXVIII - Issue 4

Curmudgeonly greetings to you, oh lowly reader.

Verily, it is with great sadness that I write to you today, for this once feckless newspaper has become a feckless pamphlet, and my one true friend on this campus, the only man with a real charm to him, is leaving.

Normally I would see fit to mock and deride the Students’ Union for incompetence, facial hair, or having names which a poet like myself can rhyme with rude words. Sadly the joy I would normally receive from calling sabbatical officers drug addled homosexuals writhes away before I finish my jape. Without him, the whole enterprise seems pointless.

Since he first set foot on the campus, Geeks has committed to running this sorry institution into the ground, dissolving things beloved to replace them with things foul. While I have never appreciated his policies themselves, I admit that nothing brings me more joy than to see a student union official wet themselves over being left out of the decision making process. Oh, the hilarity of it!

Those pesky Union sabbats, you would have liked to have thought if they tried that they could pry that megaphone from Molly Screamough’s hands, this rhymster’s ears are singing. 

T’other day I strolled around campus and came across a student eating plain crackers from Aldi, alone. A single tear came to my eye as I thought of how happy our dear president would be to see such a thing! 

To think of poor ol’ Deeks’ visa being revoked before he got the chance to clog the toilets in the village one last time is the only injustice happening on campus that I care to see. 

Deeksy, you’ll be missed, but alas, the Bush is calling.

Fare he well!