What ho, ye filthy degenerates!
Tis I, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord.
We have once again reached election season, and once again you, dear students, have released a collective sigh. This year's candidates are as unqualified and naive as those of any other year, but have somehow found themselves to be even more poorly socialised and smelly.
First off we have Ciara Moron, who wishes to turn the ENTS forum into some diverse space where non-drinkers can finally feel welcome. Piffle I say! As a ghost who has always opposed anyone organising a jovial session of drinking on behalf of the SU, I can think of nothing worse than organising a jovless session of not drinking for the squares in your midst, and on SU dime, too! Even students know that students are idiots, and being completely blasted is the only condition one can interact with them in.
Uncontested for the second least important job, Robyn O’Queef is bringing whatever it is she thinks she has to the role of campaigns and engagements, despite almost being the least engaging candidate! Her manifesto reads like that of her predecessor-comrade, who was so engaging almost nobody ran for election. Seeking to engage and enthuse us, she wants to focus on decolonising the curriculum and making campus sustainable and affordable. What kind of person does she think goes to UCD?
Another race where students have a wide choice of one candidate, Míde Ownbussiness is planning on empowering students by teaching them their rights. I don’t know if she’s ever met a landlord, but playing lawyer tends not to stop a slumlord! Quaint as it is,I will admit, it is impressive to see a bilingual manifesto. My only wonder is whether she ever considered using such language skills to translate the SU constitution, back when that was her job. Personally, I yearn for the days when French was lingua franca, at least we had an empire once.
The only race with competition is the stiff one for Education, which is being contested by Darragh The Tool and Martha Not Ready. Had either candidate bothered to be more interesting, I would have bothered to think of better insults. On Policy and experience, both candidates seem closely matched, with neither having anything new, original, or impressive in either. It’s a pity the candidates here have struggled to find friends to do their graphic design, but I guess that would require friends. The only difference I can see between the candidates is one is more annoying than the other. I will let you, dear voter, decide which I’m referring to. Without giving too much away, I’ll slyly point out that his memes are normie by my standards, and I died in 1838!
Finally let us look upon our dear leader, President-presumed Molecular Greenough. Despite being an American, I believe she has shown some gumption this year, having not actually been responsible for any major scandals. Her platform may lack originality or vision, but.
Alas, dear reader, I must leave. If you are still considering voting, I hope someone takes your lunch money.
Tallyho and tallout