Talleyrand: Vol XXVII Issue 3

What ho, my unworthy readership!

It is I, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord, back again to bring a touch of culture and sophistication to this so-called-newspaper. The University Observer seems to persist and publish despite the lack of readers. Even a pandemic can’t stop this parasite. Personally, I think it only exists to waste good trees. I miss the days when I could preach from my pulpit, but for now I am eternally damned to using this rag as my lectern. 

Instead of the usual plague of students, I am plagued by all this whining and moaning about nothing more than a trifling flu, weaklings. Never in my many, many, many years skulking the tunnels and Newman bathrooms did I think I would feel a sense of longing for a busier campus. I have always found my summer sabbatical from pitiful Harry Potter Soc nerds and incessantly inebriated Ag students to be relaxing. But it would seem that this prolonged absence has proved itself to be more than a little boring. Where is all the gossip, the rumours, the juicy scandals I survive on? The most exciting thing that happened this week was the UCDSU jumping on the bandwagon of a student rebellion. 

Since the campus is even more dead than I, in my spare time I have dedicated myself to the pursuit of prose:

There once was a buachaill named Conor,
who strove for Soviet honour.
His long golden locks,
were given the chop
and Conor’s good-looks were a goner

Oh Leighton just loves to shout,
They stomp, and protest, and give out
But instagram fame,
Is their hidden aim,
And from their shouts came ‘Influencer’ clout 

Now Hannah looks after the nerds,
She does her best to be seen and not heard,
On all the committees she sits
Though she tries to resist,
And so ‘lazy’ is the only word 

Sarah is easy to forget,
Since there are no social outlets
She can enjoy being at home
On her ass, scrolling through her phone
And get paid for the easiest job yet.

But Carla says she does slog
When she’s not fawning over her dogs
Though it is hard in cold
When you are really so old
And still trying to change from analogue

What to be said about Ruairí,
I’ve left his feelings sore-y
If he did some real work
Then criticism he could shirk
But now I just think he is a bore-y

TaTa for now Losers.