Talleyrand: Vol XXVII Issue 2

What ho, ye saucey youths,

‘Tis I Talleyrand! The Most Reverend Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord. Back once more from my opium induced stupor to haunt Belfield. The smooth brained Editors of this esteemed bog-roll have allowed me to once more pronounce upon the pitiful SU and their so-called achievements thus far. This time, however, a certain Editor has requested I shy away from cheap homophobia. I told that poof to make me.

Last time I ranked the SU in order of import, so this time I shall rank them in order of efficacy, from best to Hannah. Having managed to avoid being bullied out this time, the only mixed race member of the executive must face immense discrimination and imminent deportation. Hopefully one of the councils she sits on can give her space to air these grievances.

Since last we spake, Sarah “Settler” Mitchalek has achieved absolutely nothing, putting her in the top three most productive sabbatical officers of all time. The online Ents ball was a stunning success, earning slightly less than one week’s PUP for some charity. Philanthropy of this sort earns pride of place on a CV.

Layton Gay has been working hard using the SU to become an influencer, hoping their whitness can get them a place in the GO house. Unfortunately, they respect women too much for that gig. Also they have no influence. Or Screen presence. It’s full time TikTok and Instagram Live for now. How down with the youths!

Speaking of TikTok, the only TikTok Carla knows is the tick tock of her biological clock. She Definightly has been working hard though, keeping scroungers abreast of how to claim social welfare while in college. Tally approves, as any money spent by students on alcohol is money not being spent on Ministerial Advisors. Or in Bummerson’s case, Marlboro Gold.

Ruairí “White” Power of the SuckDems is truly following in the footsteps of his hero, Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly by abandoning all morals to win office. Truly the best sabbatical officer in a long time, Ruairí has yet to take a single woman’s opinion on board. Marvelous!

I see Conor Blanderson is still here. It makes him seem like he is actually doing something other than enjoying Deeks’ company, celebrating the fact that two white, foreign CEOs are running the university. 

As is well known by those who know, however, Sabbatical officers have very little actual control over the Union. Instead, those decisions are made by a team of dedicated corridor staff. Dedicated to doing no work and taking home a fat cheque, that is. I shall now inspect the changes these hard workers have made.

Due to UCDSU successfully ending homelessness and reversing the increases to campus accommodation rent, they have decided that it is finally time to end the role of Housing Officer. Instead, Bitchalek has provided a short list of a suitable candidate for “Pints Officer”.

A little off the record source told me that all Sabbatical officers have undertaken the Mandated SAFEtalk training, so that they know what to say to a distressed student. Jokes aside, this is excellent news, as speaking to any one of these bores is one of the most distressing activities possible. Unrelated, but have you heard track 3 from Elton John’s Honky Chateau?

As has happened in each of the many of the years I’ve haunted this hellsite, UCDSU has always spent the first three weeks grooming freshers. Unlike other years, this year it's only so they can run for Class Rep. 

I have heard through the tunnels that the UCDSU has had its finances slashed. I see that they have squandered what few millions they still have on the update of their website. The SpaceJam inspired performance art that now exists where once there was a functional website is the finest satire ever published.

I see the College Tripeune has gone online. At least that’s one less thing the UCD Estate Staff will have to bin. 

To close my very balanced and restrained opinions, I will share with you the beginning of my comedic endeavours. A woman and a homosexual attempt to edit a newspaper. The end.