Talleyrand - Vol.XXV, Issue V

Like an STI you just can’t shake, Talley’s back bitches!

Slouching from their holiday hangover caves, the sabbats have put aside their headaches and their differences for the common good: planning parties for students and indoctrinating them into the secretive working of the Union.

Start as you mean to go on, as the saying goes and the slimy sabbats have taken this literally by spending the first week back, out of the office for ‘Raise And Give’ week. Talley believes that this was just a pretty (and thinly veiled) spin on the true meaning: Rioting and Galavanting, conveniently locating a lot of their “charity events” in the popular watering hole known as the Clubhouse.

Speaking of thinly veiled spins, the Great, Honorable, Glorious and Righteous Barry Murphy has been doing his best to quell any rumblings of misconduct and abuse of power since taking the throne in the SU corridor. Taking a page out of Richard Nixon’s Guide to Media Relations, Murphy has been shaking hands and kissing babies with the masses of UCD’s student population in an attempt to continue the facade that he’s just the same as you. Spouting popular lines such as “people need time to procrastinate too”, Murphy has completely reinvented himself as a laidback college student and seems to be planning on coasting through to the end of his term. Is this an underhanded play to secure what his idol Nixon could not, a third consecutive bid for the presidency? Talley wouldn’t be surprised. Next he’ll be deciding who gets to vote.

Unsatisfied with the lack of female representation in certain areas of history, Melissa Plunkett has joined the likes of Benedict Arnold, Darth Vader and Judas in the infamous turncoat hall of history, bringing new meaning to the Shakespeare’s verse “Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned.” In her attempts to be Queen Bey and rule the world, Plunkett has forgotten the sage advice of “vaulting ambition which overleaps itself.” That’s right, Talley saw Macbeth too.

It seems that Thomas Monaghan landed himself on Santy’s good-list last year and was given a shiny new phone to play with and has since ensured that everyone on Instagram and Snapchat knew he was doing his job. Talley heard first hand the Santa’s elves were particularly concerned over poor Monaghan’s plight, and met with the people he knows best to discuss how to improve the communication of the Campaigns & Communication Officer. Monaghan was so happy with his new toy and all the tricks it could do, that he showed all his friends, every night last week, in Coppers.

Irish mammies across the country have been ringing in to supposed miracle worker Stephen Crosby, demanding that their young ones be bumped up a grade over mistakes made by the examiner during the Xmas exams. Crosby spent “Results Night” crying in his office over having to break the bad news to concerned parents, informing them that he tried his absolute best and reminding them that it’s only an exam at the end of the day and they can resit it in May. The sounds of laughter from the Clubhouse a few doors down did little to quell the swelling of FOMO in his heart.

Ahead of the Seanad registration deadline, Niall Torris has begun the year with a newfound determination to get people on the registry, which has seemingly nothing to do with rumours that he’s been moonlighting as campaign advisor for Senator Alice-Mary Higgins. Torris appears to be unfazed by recent world events, and believes that there is no image problem with a register of a specific group of people. Operating from his Belfield office beside the 175 bus stop, Torris has been talking the ear off unsuspecting commuters, and enticing them to sign up with the fear that he too will run again for Graduate Officer if he doesn’t meet his quota.

After last semester culminated in the forced the eviction of staff, it isn’t just the students that are begrudgingly returning to another semester in this dystopian novel of a university. Staff have been pulling sickies since Blue Monday just to prolong that Christmas feeling of cabin fever. For example, Law Professor and flower-power enthusiast, Andrew Jackson has been vacationing outside the 4 Courts, telling off people he sees using single use plastic. Talley doesn’t really see the appeal spending your time caring for the environment, but I suppose death really changes your priorities. You’ll understand when the flames engulf you too.

This new year seems to have gotten everyone onto the streets, donning their very best yellow hi-vis jackets and protesting...asking for more...wanting...well I’m not actually sure exactly what, but hey, Talley is entertained and that’s all that matters at the end of days.

Until next time plebs, keep laughing into the abyss.