Talleyrand: Check your hope at the door you decrepit vermin, and enter the gates of Hell - It’s Election Season

How long has it been since we slouched our way towards the voting station? Who has been impeached/arrested/publicly shamed this time? Let’s round-up the usual suspects of impotent, brainless SU zombies and see who will win the chance to masquerade as a “voice for the students” for the year, while updating their CV. The new found bitterness is a complimentary extra of the corridor.

In the President race, students will no doubt rejoice in the news that Barry Murphy has been physically restrained to his office chair, and missed the deadline for submitting his signatures. But don’t weep for him too much, word is Murphy enjoys being restrained as one of his kinks. The 4 3 candidates all hoping to pressure you into signing your soul away to their campaigns, include: the staple Ag candidate, Micheal Geary, who does nothing to debunk the stereotype that Ag students can’t spell their own name (nice t-shirts, pal); the token female and SJW candidate Joanna Siewierska, who wants to focus on indoctrinating young, wide-eyed Freshers into the Union’s clutches and finally, the elusive Mr. WorldWide child registry resident Declan Kelly.

Of the candidates claiming to give a crap about your welfare, we have ladies’ man George Merrin, and Úna “Just-give-me-the-job-already” Carroll. Known by many as Katie Ascough’s GBF, Merrin has spent the campaign trying to wipe the slate cleaner than the ex-President’s search history after every national referendum. Carroll, on the other hand, has been showing how much she is into being a “radical” candidate, by destroying any chance of a meaningful connection with groups that might help her fulfil her role in the future.

A glutton for punishment, Katie O’Dea has signed herself up to labour away in the corridor, building on the foundation that “Ents” man Monaghan has laid in the past year. Talley isn’t sure if O’Dea is aware that the “foundation” set by Monaghan is akin to a sandcastle with the tide coming in.

Former Observer stooge, Brian Treacy is planning on “one-upping” the work that Crosby did this year, bringing students back to the old days, when their mammies would spoon-feed them and took them into bed, with a goodnight story.

Graduate Officer Niall Torris has finally been laid to rest....in the bosom of his long lost maternal figure, Mary Alice Higgins. In his stead, he leaves two tourist candidates with about as much knowledge of the union as the University Times has for what constitutes “ethical journalism.” Uthra “sign me up” Lakshmi wants to encourage students to forget the books and learn some culture in the Smurfit campus. Archaeology student Conor Anderson, on the other hand, is using his mid-life crisis and lack of awareness to dig himself an even deeper grave than the ones he’s used to before Hustings.

Looking at this motley crew, Talley is safe in the knowledge that his dear friend RON is going to be busy over the next week.