Comment Editor Katie Larkin has seen it all on dating apps and shares her thoughts and impressions on them.
The sense of existential ennui engulfs you on a cosy winter night. Here you lie alone, cold - and maybe even restless and horny. “Maybe the clubbing days are over”, I think to myself. They seem to be for me anyway. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever met someone actually decent in the smoking area of a bar either. No rather, I was unlucky enough to meet an extreme right-wing men who idolised the USSR for example. To make matters worse, I am far from the type to walk up to someone I find decent-enough-to-have-interest-in in the street, or on the UCD campus.
How does one find someone in such circumstances, other than the online world of apps leading to a quick swipe or cheesy pickup line?
I am not inherently against the likes of Tinder and Hinge (Bumble, even, when feeling particularly desperate); I have unashamedly used them on multiple occasions and they have been a gateway to meet some nice, mediocre and utterly horrific men.
Perhaps then, there are some positives to the world of dating apps - you’re sure to meet people perhaps you’d never have otherwise! But that isn’t always a good thing is it?
“What colour vibrator do you use?”
Yes, this is the first real message I received on Tinder from someone called Scott.
It seems the laws of socially acceptable behaviour when speaking to someone you have just ‘met’ flit out the window in the context of online dating. It also appears that the perceived overwhelming volume of people, connections and potential sex at our fingertips also affects how we treat people to the extent we seem to think they are real human beings.
Dating apps may not have ruined human connection and old school romance - which can still exist in some capacity for some - but they surely have enabled toxic culture within society and therefore in dating.
Dating apps may not have ruined human connection and old school romance - which can still exist in some capacity for some - but they surely have enabled toxic culture within society and therefore in dating.
The amount of people on these apps make choosing who to “pick” difficult or overwhelming. Yet this can lead to disappointments. Some people claim to not to be “looking for anything serious,” but still proceed to give a dose of love to their match to achieve what they want in a practice coined as “love bombing”. Other people may be dating several people at once, somewhat seriously, without communication a practice known as “roster dating”. These are only a few examples of the harsh realities of the toxic cultures within dating that we all must reckon with. Online dating is quick, it is unforgiving and its outcomes can be harsh.
Online dating is quick, it is unforgiving and the outcomes can be harsh.
In Barry Schwartz’s book The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, he theorises how too many options lead to higher expectations and more chances for regret, disappointment, self-blame, and trouble making decisions. I believe this is the exact phenomenon we’re confronted with in the world of online dating: in a frail attempt to find someone to fulfil our needs, we end up losing ourselves and what is important in the meantime.
The online world and social media can also affect how we view ourselves and others. Photoshop, false happiness and overall fakeness being seen on TikTok and Instagram can skew perspectives of what will make us happy. It also contributes to the idea that if more options are available; maybe there will always be someone more attractive, funnier and easier to talk to available to us… and that thought process might not be healthy.
Photoshop, false happiness and overall fakeness being seen on TikTok and Instagram can skew perspectives of what will make us happy.
Online dating has led us to build a wall of vulnerability. Instead of embracing the excitement of meeting someone new, you start off on the wrong foot because you assume that anyone you’ll meet has the same preconceived idea of what dating ought to be.
But enough of the negatives… What benefits can we get from the chaotic world of online dating?
I stand by what I said earlier: online dating can lead us to meet people we would have not otherwise. It certainly has been the case for me. Meeting new people from places, jobs, universities, even cultures different from your own, is healthy and enriching.
Being able to meet new people can help you figure out what it is you look for in a partner - and, most importantly, what you are not looking for. It makes it easier to learn what is a no-go, and what treatment is appropriate and desirable to you, whilst also helping you understand how you treat others.
Also, sometimes dating can be fun. Not every single date and person has to lead to anything, let alone a relationship. It is nice to meet someone different, maybe do something different and see where the road takes you. Getting yourself out there will rarely be a negative, and you might get to learn more about yourself as you go along.
And who knows? Maybe you will be fortunate enough to find someone that rocks your world, and ceases the tortuous procedure of dating and being on these apps in the first place. And if not, do not fret either!
But in the meantime, asking someone what colour vibrator they use probably won't get you very far.