Greetings, fellow degenerates,
It is I, Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord, and I wish to impart on you my knowledge of revolutionary politics. Having inspected your SU candidates, I can declare none come close to being capable of revolution. The Dear Leader, who in the grand tradition of communists is running unopposed for president, is bound to figure out eventually what Smurfit students do with their degrees, at which point he’s going to (hopefully) grow a pair and send them the way of the Kulaks. I know one shouldn’t joke about atrocities, but I’m not joking. Have you ever had the economy explained to you by a business major?
Castro Anderson isn’t the only Commie running unopposed. Layton Grey stands before you as your C&E officer before a single ballot is cast. All they want is for the feckless gossip merchants of this rag to spell their name right. What a laugh! This paper is a pet project that went too far, and no one involved is competent at anything.
Bharatiya Janata Party member Wrecker Nagargoje dropping out is probably for the best as she had about as much chance of winning as a muslim has of becoming the Prime Minister of India. Fortunately she may yet run for Graduate officer, meaning there will be at least someone on the corridor who knows that COVID-19 is a Chinese bioweapon. The Corridor staff must be distraught that their beloved colleague and certified team-player Katie O’Dreadnought dropped out. Whatever will they do without her? Celebrate, I’d imagine. There was one other candidate to drop out, but I think remembering her name would be giving her candidacy more credit than it deserves.
Cousin Itt and Jenny Joyce’s secret twin are both vying for the position of education officer. With both of them stealing each other's policies, social media posts, and talking points, the only difference I can see is that one is 28 but looks like she is only 22, and the other is 22 but looks like shit. There was meant to be a third candidate, but that dork dropped out as soon as he remembered he won’t have anyone to doss off and play pool with, and the student press isn’t all smiles over chicken sandwiches. Brian should do well in Oxford, a place where it’s okay to use a GPA in place of a personality.
The welfare race is contested between two people who misread the job description. One thinks it’s the C&E race, and the other thinks she’s running for the role of Mammy. They also seem to be co-authoring election material and checking in on each other. News flash, kids: Only one of you can win. Rebecca Ní Concord promises to be chatty and friendly with all students, which is concerning for anyone who doesn’t want to hear the life story of a wannabe primary school teacher. To her credit, she has promised to let students get a word in edgeways “where possible”. Ruairí Powerbottom wants to be the most radical twink since Mark Ashton, but as a welfare officer he’ll be there to listen to trivial student-y problems, like “being broke” and “being depressed”. Why is there no one to listen to my problems, like “I can’t host weird sex parties in quarantine” and “I can’t get any good opium”.
There is also a Samantha something running to do her boyfriend's job as King Pintsman. I’m not sure of the details, but I’ve heard if you need the ENTS forum to make friends in college, you’re an unlikable loser anyway.