Sports fans officially ‘ok’ with sexual assault

Following recent reports of several male sports stars being charged or accused of various types of sexual misconduct, a unanimous position has been reached among football fans and media. ManU Fan Association was one of many signatories on an open letter this week stating that “Rape is fine as long as the guy kicks a football good”. 

The Harpy spoke to several supporters on the ground this week. One supporter, Jeff, a Manchester United fan notably not from Manchester, said “It’s called Man United, not Woman United. Why would we care about a woman”. Tony, a Manchester City supporter offered a more personal perspective: “Who wouldn’t want to fuck Ronaldo. I’d let him top me in a heartbeat”. Another supporter, Charlie, a nine-year-old who plays as a hard-hitting defender for his school team said “It really makes me believe that if I train hard enough, one day I too could have very believable assault allegations against me and no one would bat an eyelid”. 

While many have said that if someone is sufficiently skilled at a game then basic moral values should be ignored, others have cited many footballer’s charity work as proof that they are in fact “good guys”. This defence famously worked well for Jimmy Saville and it appears to be working similarly effectively in this case.