September is upon us, and in the natural world, the swallows are beginning their flight to Africa. In a similar manner, culchies have made their annual migration up the N7, and into Belfield, after only some slight trouble merging onto the M50.
Everywhere, the scent of Lynx Africa, and the sight of O’Neills tracksuits, have once again greeted sightseers in UCD.
Speaking to the Harpy, UCD groundskeeper Larry Awnmower recalled spotting his first culchie of the season. “He was at the bus stop just beside the N11, and didn’t realise he had to flag down buses in order to make them stop. Poor fellow was watching the traffic for three hours.”
Mr. Awnmower also issued some advice to students who may wish to see the culchies for themselves.
“If you want to feed the culchies, I would ask that you only give them mashed spuds, gravy, or the occasional Fisherman’s Friend. Be wary of culchies wearing Tipperary jerseys, as these are more likely to bite, which will hurt your hand and could make the culchie sick.”
In a bold move, UCD recently unveiled a multi-million euro Culchie Preservation Project, aimed at preserving culchie numbers in the wild. In recent years, culchies have become a “species of concern” for the WWF, with climate change, deforestation, and increasing numbers of sexy Dubs leading to plummeting numbers of culchies in their natural habitat.
To conclude, the Harpy would like you to keep safe when mingling with culchies this semester. As a culchie myself, I would also like to remind you to be respectful when culchie GAA teams come into your city and leave with the Sam Maguire and Liam McCarthy again this year. Mar a deir an seanfhocail, “Fuck the Dubs, Mayo for Sam, and fear the Deere.”