The Internet is awash with psychopathic freaks and ‘look-at-me’ losers, writes Paul Fennessy

There has always been a rumour that access to Bebo will be banned from the UCD campus. I wish I could say I give two shits, but unfortunately I am part of that small group of people that actually like to do something with their spare time.

Seriously though, this mass Internet addiction is akin to some horribly unfunny postmodern joke. Since when did we all become computer geeks? In addition, do me a favour and consider all the time you have spent in this glorified porn palace… Now ask yourself where this has gotten you… Exactly, nowhere, and yes, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Despite subsequently admitting their guilt in engaging in such pointless activities, I’ve have heard several sad stories of people scouring Wikipedia for hours on end, searching for information that isn’t even true. For God’s sake, read a book! At least you might happen to come across something factual in the process.

And yet, people still continue to insist that it represents an advancement in modern civilisation. In order to allay any suggestions that the latter statement contains even a semblance of credibility, I present to you an exchange between three random people in relation to an entirely unprovocative YouTube video celebrating the merits of Roy Keane and Steven Gerrard:

Lippi82: Gerrard is the king. Ten times better than the Irish thug.
rondally: Liverpool twat!
ciarandoyle: Gerrard sucks Keane’s balls.

As I was saying, an ‘advancement’ in modern civilisation.

Furthermore, there are far healthier ways to exhibit repressed rage. For example, boxing, or writing angry newspaper articles.

Another ridiculous phrase is the phenomenon referred to as ‘social’ networking. Call me crazy, but I fail to see how occasionally leaving a comment on someone’s Bebo page, who you haven’t actually seen in real life (and no, the Internet isn’t real life for those of you too confused to tell the difference at this stage) for three years, constitutes a social activity. In fact it could be more accurately described as a way of averting communication and replacing it with vomit-inducing gobbledygook (‘Alrite, wot’s da buzz?’).

Moreover, the fact that an Avril Lavigne song is top of the all-time most watched videos list on YouTube, with a staggering 106,423,535 views and counting, puts paid to the notion that the Internet is some sort of revolutionary device, as opposed an insidious marketing channel.

But what about all those wonderful people who the Internet has made instant stars out of, I hear you ask. Isn’t it great to see those complete losers actually succeed at something? The answer is no! ‘Chocolate Rain’ man is just a sad freak whatever way you look at it. By watching his stupid video again and again, you’re merely funding the years of therapy which he is undoubtedly destined to waste his millions of dollars on.

So I beg you all to please take a walk, go to the cinema, or even have a few pints if you want, just for the love of God, stay away from the Internet. I promise you, it is actually possible to function without it.

Now, if I just email in this article…