Eoin Brady shares his illicit, naked(!) experiences of shared bedrooms

“Sharing a room will do you good. You’ll never be lonely, you’ll become more mature and sociable, and just think what good friends you’ll make!”

Mammy was lying. Don’t listen to her. Of course, it’s too late now, and you can expect to spend the next fourteen weeks pining for the relative opulence of your own little refuge back in Leitrim or wherever. You’ve just signed the lease on a ratty grey cube – sorry, half a ratty grey cube – twenty minutes down the N11. The shared bedroom is a world of hurt… a world that you just became an inhabitant of. Shared bedrooms should be reserved for prison inmates and possibly people in monasteries who dig that hardship and suffering stuff.

Despite being neither an inmate nor a monk, I have become something of a connoisseur of the shared bedroom. This puts me in the onerous position of having a responsibility to future generations; warning them of the dangers to which they could be subjecting themselves before it’s too late.

Of course, it is too late now: you’ve already moved in, but you may as well find out what trauma you’ll be going through for the next year.

You’ll know you’re living the full shared-bedroom experience when you have your first Naked Surprise. Sometime in the first few weeks, you’ll come home exhausted from a hard day’s re-registering for modules that SISweb forgot. You’ll swing open the door of your room, looking forward to a bit of privacy and relaxation. Instead, you’ll be greeted with the spectacle of ‘Startled Clothes-less Roomie’, who may or may not be lounging on your bed reading Nuts.

If you’re spectacularly wealthy and therefore have a television in your bedroom (the luxury!), another fun way to get to know your new roommate/murderer is by watching a bit of telly together. Unfortunately, it is an empirical fact that all roommates watch at least four hours of Judge Judy every day. After a week or so of this, Ms Sheindlin’s sparkling logic and stirring rhetoric will wear thin and you will be pushed towards the same course of action as Carlos from last Tuesday’s episode, only to be foiled by the limited availability of high-powered Airsoft rifles in this country.

The shared bedroom is a malevolent entity specifically designed as a tool of oppression. As a participant in this process, you are implicitly condoning it. You’re adding more links to the chain of suffering. Get out now, while you still have your sanity. Transfer to your nearest rural IT, where the single room rates hover around four shillings a month. Only then will you be safe.