This fortnight Fadora McSexypants tells you not to sigh if Valentine’s Day goes awry
I think I really messed up Valentine’s Day. I had this big romantic evening planned, but I left everything to the last minute and my girlfriend and I ended up spending the evening in Burger King. I had the Jalapeño Poppers and she had a cry. It’s was her birthday the same day and all! Help me Fadora McSexypants, you’re my only hope.
Distressed in Dalkey,
Leo McKeever, 4th Year Engineering.
Good Evening Leo,
Oh Leo, Leo, Leo. All is not lost. Firstly, a box of prophylactics is a fine gift, it shows her you’re assertive and you know what you want, both fine qualities in a man. However, as you know, I’m a girl who stands up for old-time values, and I’m afraid the BK Lounge simply will not do – which is why I’m providing you with my one-stop-shop for getting a girlfriend to fall longingly into your arms; Fadora McSexypants’ Guide to the Perfect Date. With this fool-proof guide, not only will you reconcile with your lover, but you’ll get her as soggy as the chips in the Main Restaurant.
1) Pre-game – The perfect date begins long before you pick your beloved up. Appear at her house, first thing in the morning. Gently wake her with armfuls of roses, of both the horticultural and delicious varieties. Just as she realises what’s going on, leave immediately, like a mysterious romantic in the night. This is shock-and-awe romance, and will leave her as stunned as the Rock at Wrestlemania XIX.
2) Scout Terrain – Before you pick your lady-chum up, go to the bar in which you will be romancing later on in the evening. Hand a sizeable chunk of tasty cash over to the bar staff, and convince them that whatever you order for the rest of the evening is to be brought to you under the pretence of it being “on the house, Mr McKeever”. This will make you look like an utter big-shot, and make your lady fold under your will like a well-lubricated Stira.
3) Intellectual Wankery – Any fool can bring a girl to cinema. A gentleman will bring his lady to the theatre. This is not as expensive as it sounds; you can talk your way into most amateur shows for free – theatres are desperate to fill seats because, let’s face it, no one gives a shit about theatre anymore. Not only does this make your date seem unique and special, but it makes you out to be some sort of Good Will Hunting-style savant. Comment on the creative new stage direction and the bold re-imagining of the core text. It doesn’t matter what you go to see, this will almost certainly be a completely valid line of utter cock sandwich.
4) ABC – Always be closing. No one likes spending money unless they’re getting something in return, and rightly so. Which is why, ladies, if he pays for dinner, you are contractually obliged to sleep with him. It has been mentioned that this is a somewhat anti-feminist viewpoint, and with that I take umbrage. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I believe that if a man holds the door open for me, and stands when I return to the table, he deserves a first-class ticket on the McSexypants Express direct to HJ town.
So there you go Leo. Remember – be assertive, be confident, and most of all, remember the immortal words of Eamon de Valera: “Dev’s gotta get himself a new sweet lid, because if you don’t got the threads you don’t get to bed, and baby, Dev’s dick ain’t gonna suck itself.” Words to live by.
Love and Cuddles,
SnM, TnA, HDip.
Next week, Fadora looks at the high-stakes world of competitive nude fencing.