Harpy Editor Hazen E. Griffin investigates serious allegations of unethical research on Newman students.
Faculty of the UCD College of Science are currently undergoing internal and external investigations after facing allegations of unethical research on Newman students, The Harpy can confirm.
An overly-long exposé published by anonymous whistleblowers, who could do to be a bit more concise, alleges that Newman students were “relentlessly exposed” to a slew of insane chemicals from all ends of the Periodic Table in an attempt to gather data on the behavioural effects of various drugs, and that as a result, Newman students are the way that they are.
UCD Health & Science staff stand accused of placing these chemicals in the hallways, lecture theatres, and the so-called “smoking section” of Newman, as part of their insidious plot to make Newman students “weird and pretentious” using some sort of weird chemical brain fungus.
The documents show that the effects of Newman experimentation are directly correlated to the rise in postering by the Irish Marxists, and to the high occupancy of the Workman’s smoking area. When asked for comment, both groups denied that this was the case, and blamed “revisionists” and “posers” respectively for spreading malicious rumours.
The College of Science denies these claims, and when asked for comment, said only “No, they’re just like that.”
UCDSU President Miranda Bauer reportedly expressed concern over the potential sourcing of research chemicals from a UCDSU-blacklisted biochemical manufacturing firm, but otherwise said only “Ah, nah, yeah, that makes sense.”