Sarah Michalek elected UCD drug Kingpin

UCDSU Entertainments Officer Sarah Michalek has been elected to run UCDSU’s Students Supporting Drugs and Parties (SSDP) for the second year running.

She was the sole candidate after a series of potential challengers disappeared in the weeks before nominations closed.

Speaking to supporters at a secret victory rally in a shebeen, Michalek stated that the turning of the Entstagram into a platform for selling ecstasy, ketamine, and other synthetic drugs was imminent; “I think I could like maybe mobilise shop staff to deliver envelopes of drugs around campus? That would be pretty cool”

“I would like to thank my voters, the REDACTED family, bent Gardaí, and Tom for all their little favours” she added.

Despite winning by a landslide, there was controversy early in the campaign when the United Dry-Shites Campaigning Group took issue with Michalek’s slogan of “I will literally sell crack to teenagers and you can’t stop me”. It is understood by The Harpy that this campaign failed due to the insufferable dweebiness of the campaign’s spokesperson. One insider told a Harpy reporter “No one in a University wants to discuss the slippery slope, or how it will ruin your future if an employer knows you let your hair down at a party”.

The College Tribune ran a poll before the election which suggested that Michalek was in danger of losing her seat, however it has since been realised by their co-editors that students who are cool enough to like drugs are too cool to participate in polls.

Speaking about the allegations of her newfound mob connection, and being linked to the disappeared would-be challengers, Michalek stated “Some people know what’s good for them and some people don’t”.

It is understood that Estate Services are no longer pursuing a policy of preventing drug dealing on campus after reporters witnessed this really cool Goodfellas/heist film montage of security and administrative staff receiving bribes and a monologue explaining all the connections.

The Minister for Justice last year stated that drug use on campus was “a serious problem”, and that “ending the war on drugs requires far too much courage, so we’re just gonna keep pretending current policy isn’t an abject failure that allows organised crime constant revenue. It’s not like voters ever hold my party accountable for literally anything anyway”.