In an interview with The Harpy, sports legend and big man on campus Max Murphy revealed that Director of Student Services Dominic O’Keeffe’s boots taste like strawberries and cream. “To be honest, the taste of shoe polish and dog shit is what I like about boot licking, but O’Keeffe’s boots where sweet and delicious,” Murphy said. Student media has been asking what O’Keeffe’s boots taste like since the beginning of the referendum campaign for the new Student Centre levy.
It can be revealed that days before the polling began for a new Student Centre levy, Student Services Ltd sent an email to all clubs and societies which read: “Dear Captains and Auditors, I’m conducting a survey on your favourite flavour, for no particular reason. This will have nothing to do with the bulk order of flavoured lip balm, which will be paid for by deductions to the basic grant of the Science Fiction Society.”
Speaking to auditors and captains about this email, we found that strawberries and cream were the most popular flavour. Sionnain Greene told us “whether it’s served in a bowl on a warm summer’s day, or from the ass of an overpaid UCD service staff, I love the delicious taste of strawberries and cream.” David Hurley of the Science Fiction Society responded with “personally, I like pot noodle as a flavour but I told Dominic that snot is the best taste. I don’t know if it had the impact I wanted.” Ronan O’Shea of UCD Windsurfing Club told us “The Harpy isn’t a real paper, I’m not telling you which flavour I prefer to lap up off the sole of the boots of authority.”
Campaign manager for the “No” vote Sadbhb MacLochlainn told The Harpy that “the choice of strawberries and cream to be the flavour of the “Yes” campaign shows how basic they are. People with this level of taste have no right to tell people who unironically enjoy room temperature Prazsky, what to spend student money on. When the Socialist Workers Student Society takes power and establishes a dictatorship of the studentship, Max gets the guillotine first.”
Speaking to The Harpy via voice synthesizer prior to the first count of votes, Ben Murphy of UCD GameSoc lamented that the sex dungeon he was promised is not on any of the plans being distributed. “Murphy showed me one of his really nice drawings, but there was no planned sex dungeon for GameSoc in the plans. This adds to the ongoing oppression of gamers that all aspects of campus engage in. We demand a sex dungeon, and positive press coverage also.”In a statement to The Harpy, O’Keeffe stated “it is untrue that I’ve been putting flavoured lip balm on my boots or ass in an inappropriate or sexual manner. It is absolutely and purely about the power I, as a man in my fifties, have over some students in their late teens or early twenties. Accusations that I’m on a power trip, while true, are unfair.” He also pointed out that this referendum has been a great opportunity for white men disenfranchised with a system that caters for others students needs as well as their own. “Former school bullies have been given the opportunity to intimidate the weak and gangly nerds, who are nowhere near as swole as them, in the other campaign, and to tear bundles of manifestos and newspapers in half in a display of strength and male aggression. These young men, who are the biggest boys, deserve much more respect than the newspapers have been giving them.”