Record 8 students register to vote in SU election - The Harpy

A record-breaking 8 students have registered to vote in the upcoming UCDSU executive elections, The Harpy has learned.

Documents obtained through blackmail and theft reveal that after spending €58,000 on state of the art online voting systems, and a further €34,000 on promotional campaigns, UCDSU has smashed last year's already high record of 6 students registering to vote.

Speaking off the record to a bugged reporter, President Conor Anderson told The Harpy “Look, this idea that voting is important is a big problem. Most students are what, twenty years old? That’s too young to have read any serious theory. Tell those dumb-dumbs to read Kapital before they come babbling on about engagement”.

The company responsible for hosting the online voting system, Democratising Inclusive Engagement (DIE), provided the following statement to The Harpy: “We will sue you and whoever leaked you our price lists if you print them. Student democracy is too important to leave to some raucous students.

“This email is private and confidential. Any unauthorised dissemination of its contents may result in legal action”

It was previously reported in The College Tribune that Campaigns Officer Leighton Gray had threatened to kill any student who had not registered to vote, but it has turned out that this was incorrect and The Tribune have sorta apologised for misrepresenting Gray, kinda. As only their fourth apology this calendar year, it is understood that The College Tribune still think they are doing a good job.

President Deeks also responded to request for comment, saying;

“Aw hell, eight students? Of course I think that student engagement is important, but with such a demonstrable mandate for the incoming leadership, I may be forced to abandon my plans on building a temple to Beelzebub on the grounds where I buried 14 first-year students from lower-income backgrounds as part of the Gate-way project".

Despite not being asked, Professor Gemima Doherty also provided comment, saying “I am a stupid and cruel bigot, hoping that if I get fired I can claim that I’ve been martyred by the wokerati, even though it’s clearly just because I’m off my rocker and an active danger to myself and others”. When asked how this is relevant to student elections, she added; “I don’t know to much about that, but I’ve heard they are gay”.