Quinn's Business - Issue 2, Volume XXIII

HELLO UCD students! Or, Universally Considered Douchebags, as the rest of the world knows us. It’s Week Five already, and you’re still in bed hitting the snooze button. One third of the semester has passed. Can you say that you know one third of each of your modules? I don’t even know the module code or name of most of them. I label them as, ‘the one that attendance is taken,’ ‘that one with the semi-attractive lecturer’, and ‘the one that I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be in.’ Anyways, enough with the academic nonsense, that’s not what you’re here for!The societies have kicked off the year with some great events. Interestingly enough putting a bunch of self-serving, ego-driven students on a committee with a shared purpose actually works! The SU could learn from them.My favourite event was the Biological Society’s Petting Zoo. It made me wonder about how the world would be a much better place if we replaced the SU and all student political groups with fluffy animals. It would make a lot more students happy. Also, even creatures of different species are probably much more in touch with what the everyday student actually needs. But yes, please provide us with buskers, I feel like UCD should move towards being more like Grafton Street. Maybe we should get a Victoria Secret shop on campus next.One of the debates held by Law Soc was “This House Believes Gay Bars Aren’t For Straights”. I think this is a great idea. Here’s how I imagine it will be enforced. Every bouncer at the door should be equipped with a rainbow detector, scanning people on the way in. Kind of like a Geiger counter for measuring radiation, but instead for Gay-diation. Bisexuals should be interrogated at the door and forced to pick either men or women. Everyone knows bisexuals don’t actually exist and that there are only two genders, obviously. Some LGBTQ+ people are offended by everything, LGBexTtremists as I like to call them. How dare they ask what the ‘+’ in LGBTQ+ stands for. Everyone knows we are positively charged because we lost an electron!While I’m on a roll of hurting people’s feelings, I’m going to talk about the SU’s mandate to repeal the eighth amendment. Basically, back in 2013 the SU asked the students they represent to choose a stance on the eighth amendment. The majority of voters were in favour of repealing the eight. The SU, guided by a democratic system, then had the absolute cheek to campaign for abortions in every flavour! Or, as a knowledgeable person would call it, protesting against Irish people having their human rights denied. What utter nonsense.Of course then sprang up the ProLife student campaign for the SU to be fair and represent all the students. Most of these people felt democracy didn’t take their religious stance on the issue into account. Can you imagine that? Organisations that discriminate against minorities don’t actually like being minorities themselves, gas. Holier-than-thou students are being persecuted by their Union. ‘PerSUcted’ if you will. Funnily enough, I don’t agree with their anti-SU stance.Just this one time, shush, don’t tell the SU I agree with them on something. I mean if you want the SU to fight for student equality, I think that includes the human rights of students who are women, trans men and our non-binary pals who happen to have wombs. These people exist, and they matter. Personally, I think bodily autonomy and indiscriminate healthcare for real people is more important than the off chance that the SU might annoy your imaginary friend. More importantly I think you’re wasting your time if you think the SU’s stance on something actually matters.Although, I’m sure if abortion was legalised UCD would open a clinic. Only if they could find a way to fine you and make you pay some ridiculous fee. Then again, there would probably be a nine-month waiting list. It’s a good thing you still have that condom you got during Fresher’s week, three years ago.Speaking of Freshers, how are you finding the Belfield Blues? Do you think about dropping out before, during and after every lecture? Don’t worry, I’m the same, and I’ve already made it through half my degree! Have you realised that you and your Peer Mentor group aren’t going to be best of friends forever? You knew things were getting weird when they mentioned becoming blood brothers. Has someone from your course dropped out yet? And if so, have they become a personal trainer or a MUA based on their Instagram? Have you come across your housemate who claims to have OCD? Yes, because not liking dirty dishes in the sink is the same as having a life changing psychiatric condition. How’s the crazy college love life you had envisaged?That’s right, the longest, most meaningful connection you have had to date was with a four-hour loan book from the library.College life may not have been what you thought it was going to be. But, hang in there, there are some fun parts! Although, if you don’t want your heart to be completely crushed, don’t visit the Grad Fair. There’s never a good time to realise that you are completely unemployable!