Jess Quinn rounds off her semester of one-liners with the stresses of exam season and SU antics.


The end of the semester is upon us and so far this year I’ve made more Pot Noodles than friends and I think I have actually completed Tinder. Wouldn’t you love to go back to a simpler time when the only decision you had to make was between a Dairymilk and Taytos at the shop after mass on a Sunday morning?

I’m just not cut out for modern life and technology, like that STAT10010 lecturer. I just want to go back to the days when people can’t see that I read their message and just didn’t reply. Why is it that Facebook’s list of “suggested friends” is quite literally a list of people I’ve been avoiding my entire life?

Growing up is terrifying. You have to face the fact that you’re not going to achieve all of your goals. For example, based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I have accepted that I will never look cool when walking away from an explosion.

With exams approaching the mania will be upon us and my fear of the stairs in James Joyce is “escalating”. Regardless of what you study, every student will learn Newton’s previously unknown 4th law of motion: a student in bed will remain in bed unless acted upon by a large enough panic.

If you thought the queue for Centra was bad, wait for the line into James Joyce come study week. Lectures finishing up is somewhat daunting. Do you ever skip lectures to catch up on work and then feel like that slug in Monsters Inc. that mops the floor while simultaneously leaves a mess behind? The awkward moment when a lecturer asks “any questions?” and everyone sits in silence because they don’t even know what they don’t know. Even if I was 7ft tall my lectures would still go over my head. Although there’s nothing like concluding a semester with the awkward clap you give your lecturer at the end of term. It helps mask the internal screams of panic. Use the promo code “Netflix” and get 50 per cent off your next exam.

If you are flustering about exams, know that you are not alone. I walk around like everything is fine but deep down inside my shoe my sock is sliding off. My Maths teacher called me average today; I thought that was rather “mean”. When I Google something for college I add “for kids” so I can actually understand what it is.

Guess who just got all their assignments done. It’s hard not to get down at this time of year. The only thing I found scary about Halloween this year was how quickly the decorations were replaced by Christmas lights. Also Irish weather needs to fliuch off. The wind is fierce these days. I was headed to the library and then the wind blew me all the way to the Clubhouse. I think it’s foolish that UCD teaches “Arts” but fails to teach the more important subject of Defence Against The Dark Arts. Rumour has it that The Very Hungry Caterpillar is on the reading list for English final years.

Just because exams are approaching, it doesn’t mean you should put your social life on hold. Things aren’t going well for me these days. My girlfriend broke up with me because I talk about video games too much. I think that’s a stupid reason to Fallout 4.

I wanted a cheese toastie, went to the fridge and to my disappointment discovered I’m the only easy single in this house. It sucks coming home, taking off your UCD scarf after a long day of being a virgin and my roommate has locked the door so nobody walks in on him having sex. I lock the door to stop people walking in on me eating two pizzas. I don’t know why I’m single. I’m a real animal in bed, specifically a koala. I can sleep 22 hours a day. “You’re so hot, let’s take this to the bedroom,” I say to my microwaved meal.

During this stressful time it’s important to look after your physical and mental health. I overslept and didn’t go to the gym. That’s three years in a row now. Everyone knows you’re not really getting fit and healthy unless you post a selfie on Instagram with your new Nikes and protein shaker. I hate exercising, mostly because the only exercise I do is run out of money. I did go for a run though, and lost a stone. It’s grey and round, if anyone sees it let me know.

Mental heath is a serious issue in universities. It’s not surprising really because while in college there is this pressure to have the time of your life while simultaneously having daily mental breakdowns. I think that there is a great misunderstanding of how serious an issue anxiety and depression is. The inspirational quote you posted on Facebook really helped cure my clinical depression, thanks.

Being constantly on the brink of poverty is a drag. It’s no wonder students are so willing to donate blood with the promise of a free lunch. This year the SU are trying to raise €100,000 for Youth Suicide Prevention Ireland by selflessly going on a parachute adventure. Here’s hoping they reach their target, and the Facebook posts about their good deeds get enough likes, or else it will all be for nothing. Major props to the architect that designed the SU corridor. Anyone who can find a way to make a building capable of holding the egos of the SU deserves much respect.

The SU’s #NotAskingForIt” campaign is in full swing with the “Slut Walk” as the opening event. I’m not sure if they are trying to reclaim the use of the slur slut, or are they completely oblivious to what their campaign is about. I’m still unsure what it has to do with Graduate Education to be honest. I think a campaign entitled “Netflix and consent?” would be more appropriate these days. There should be a campaign to promote library etiquette. Love, put your shoes back on, it’s the library, not a day spa. My own personal campaign is to have hot chocolate renamed beautiful chocolate.

A worldwide campaign that has come to light is the war on tampon tax. Why do girls complain about periods so much? They’re essential for correct punctuation. I expect this campaign to emerge every 3-4 weeks, which suits our government. They are so bad at organising things that if abortion were legal there would be a nine month waiting list. Speaking of slow, the new Subway workers are as efficient as junior B full forward line.