As students sink back into the monotony of college life after the mid-term, Jess Quinn is here to recap on UCD’s recent events, and to launch her new campaign: #NotQuackingForIt

Hello UCD heads! It’s been an exciting few weeks on campus with the Students’ Union Elections, USI Referendum and that wet paint that was drying in Newman the other day. Gripping stuff. There were no surprises in the SU elections with the only people running for a position being elected, and a handsome bearded fellow winning the only contested position. The only reason I did not vote RON is I couldn’t bear seeing any more posters, hashtags or Facebook posts. The USI referendum was also a roaring success for the “No” crowd. How could they fail with such winning slogans like “One Union Is Bad Enough” and “€5 Could Get You Two Chicken Fillet Rolls”. Never underestimate the power of stinginess and general disinterest of your student body.

The US Presidential elections are about as monotonous and overdone at this stage. Basically, Trump is what would happen if the comments section on a Facebook Irish Mirror article became a human and ran for President. Although you have to admire Trump’s use of the Schrodinger’s Douchebag theory: say offensive things and decide whether or not you are joking based upon the reaction of the people around you.

How do people find their soul mate within the first two months of college and it took me three years to find my Programme Office? All I want is someone to look at me the way Librocop looks at his CCTV monitors. What is better than hearing “I love you”? Eh, hearing that krrrr sound the ATM makes when withdrawing money.

Dating is hard. People are like “are you a morning or a night person?” and I’m just like “buddy, I’m barely even a person.” I matched with a guy called Marco on Tinder and I wrote to him saying Polo. He unmatched me, but I had a good time.

Don’t you hate it when you don’t pull out quick enough and you lose half your biscuit in your tea? My dating tip is to walk up to boys and tell them how brave they are for not wearing make up. However I did work up the nerve to ask the girl I was dating out. I asked her on the 29th of February. Our anniversary would be every four years, think of the savings! However, it didn’t work out. It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request. Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2016. I’ll get back on the horse. I’m already working on a fresh batch of pick-up-lines. Damn girl, are you from Dublin 6W? Cos I can see myself Terenure clothes off.

For the midterm break, I went home to visit my family. They said they didn’t recognise me I was so “covered in notions” with “that fancy accent and spike in my ear”. They think I’m in Dublin studying magic. “Aaaand now, for my final trick, I shall turn into a disappointment.” I didn’t miss Mammy’s nagging. “You’re going to hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late.” Jokes on you, I’m going to hate myself in the morning no matter what. Finished my 5kg bag of pasta in a week. Worth every penne.

Paddy’s Day was as interesting as always. People all around the world raving about how great the Irish are. Meanwhile, we fight each other in Temple Bar and puke tricolour. Being 2016, we commemorate the great heroes of our nation, James Connolly, Patrick Pearse and Conor McGregor. Is it too soon for me to comment on The Notorious’ dramatic defeat? However I am not “a true UFC fan”, so how dare I say anything. You’re not a true fan unless you spin around in circles and provide cool air for those around you.

Society AGMs are taking place these days. So, for your chance to climb the social ladder into “uncool, but popular” territory, look no further than Film Society, LGBTQ+ Society and International Students Soc. Steer clear of Harry Potter Society, Games Soc and Sci-Fi Soc unless you want to grow back your virginity. Of course the L&H are too cool to have an AGM like the rest of us. I’m really looking forward to seeing the potential auditors race around the lake. Here’s hoping they get attacked by swans.

This brings me to a very serious campus issue, “Swan Culture” in UCD. It may all seem like a bit of quack, but there’s a negative undercurrent of disrespect around campus and I for one am sick of all that lark. Ducks, seagulls and other feathered creatures should not have to live in constant fear of harassment, unwanted advances or abuse from swans. There is a rise in levels of this behaviour due to modern advances. With the new lake it is hard to keep track of the comings and goings of all the birds. Let it be known, whether it’s the new lake, the old lake or the “secret group lake”, this behaviour is unacceptable. Mandatory consent classes relating to lake etiquette should be introduced in the coming months to ensure the safety and security of all of UCD’s birds.‪#‎NotQuackingForIt

Do you ever just want to do a backflip but realise that you can’t? That’s what college is. Ever want to leave college and become a golden retriever owned by a middle-class family in the countryside? Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and want to touch you. This is the life of a dog. Maybe being a cat would be easier. Cats are great. They don’t hate you for your race, religion or sexuality. They hate you because they’re cats. Maybe cats are jerks because they have the ability to lick their own genitals, but also have a tongue like sandpaper. There’s just so much in this life that doesn’t make any sense. Everything I like is either expensive, fattening, or won’t text back. Never get into a car with strangers unless an app tells you that it’s okay. My shampoo says damage repair, but I’m still broken on the inside. I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone waving to someone behind me. Why does the radio stop the music to tell you they have non-stop music? €2.95 for a chicken fillet roll?!

If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear. So leading up to exams again, don’t stress, we’re all screwed. My life is extremely similar to Rihanna’s song “Work”. It’s just work, work, work, and the rest I can’t really understand. I’ve been tackling assignments like the Welsh rugby team. Safe to say, I don’t like referencing et al. Life is like violin lessons. My Mam signed me up for it without asking and now expects me to try my best even though I hate violin. Finishing on a positive note, my bank account is foolproof security keeping me safe from identity theft.