Jess “the Captain” Quinn returns to enlighten us with her wisdom.
It’s nearly the end of the semester my friends. I know I can’t believe it either. I expected nothing and yet I am still disappointed. Now is the time for the absolute mayhem of studying for exams, finishing assignments and planning your cool, exciting Summer adventure. I won’t be doing any of those things because I have given up. That’s right, I no longer care, I am done.
I have applied to Antarctica for a full time job as a human that dresses up as a penguin. I’ll probably still fail at that. Ever wonder how nice it must be to be a penguin? Just a bird that lives on a wasteland. They will never experience the struggle of finding accommodation in Dublin, getting a faceful of armpit on the Luas or listening to Ed Sheeran’s music. Sounds blissful. I’m sure if penguins had alcohol they would turn balancing eggs on their feet into some mad drinking game. I think I’ve just written the sequel to the movie Happy Feet.
Did you enjoy the midterm break? Did you Czech out Prague? Go on the Buda-sesh? Get Amster-damaged? How do students afford to go on these breaks? I thought we were all poor, I thought we were all in this together? Class trips are the only reason you elected class reps. Travelling is important, there’s a whole world of cultural experiences, sights to be seen and snapchat geofilters. It’s also a great bonding experience. Nothing like hooking up with your lab partner, puking on a landmark or falling on your face abroad to bring people together. There’s also nothing like going outside and socializing that makes you appreciate staying inside and being by yourself. For an introvert, going big is going home.
Nothing like hooking up with your lab partner, puking on a landmark or falling on your face abroad to bring people together
Did you attend the Dublin Saint Patrick’s Day parade? I always thought it’d be more interesting if it was a race, fast and furious floats. They dye the river green in Chicago, luckily for Dublin the Liffey is already a lovely shade of greenish brown. Every other Saint Patrick’s Day parade consists of the parish children Irish dancing on the back of a tractor. Paddy’s Day encapsulates what Ireland does best, wreck the gaff and rob American tourists blind. Ironically, Saint Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland, along with all the scandals in the Church, that makes Pat the biggest snake Ireland has ever seen.
We’re still proud of our national holiday, nothing worse than people who call it ‘St Patty’s Day’. Well maybe our Taoiseach going to the States and pandering to facist homophobes at the White House is a bit worse. Someone should tell Enda that we use the Euro now, so we no longer deal with Pence. I always found it interesting how conservatives want to conserve racism and homophobia, but never the planet.
Summer Adventures? Are you going on a J1? You’d want think of your cool Instagram hashtags now. The ones that you will post to make your friend working in the chipper in Gorey jealous. In reality you’ll likely be squatting in a dodgy apartment, sleeping on a couch you found on the side of the road and Googling the symptoms of scabies.
What about going on a trip with UCD Volunteers Overseas? That’s a less obvious humblebrag. I’m sure an Arts student without any useful skills will be a great asset to the third world. Taking selfies with children you don’t know and using up their limited resources all for the sake of that one profile picture. Hopefully if you go building houses it will turn out better than that monstrosity of a coffee hut that has appeared in Newman.
Listening to them talk about student issues and how they’re gonna fix everything is like listening to a toddler talk about how they helped drive the car from the backseat
Oh well, no matter where you are or what you’re doing at least you’ll be out of UCD, of course, unless you are our SU. I can imagine our current sabbatical team are going to toss the keys to the incoming team and leg it before anyone has the chance to ask them to come back. Our incoming team are all very young and naïve. Listening to them talk about student issues and how they’re gonna fix everything is like listening to a toddler talk about how they helped drive the car from the backseat.
The SU are trying to reduce the amount of waste at UCD and reducing the environmental impact. They’re starting with the coffee cups in the SU shops. A pretty interesting play in the aftermath of the elections. The swans are probably building their nest with unread manifestos. Isn’t nature beautiful.
Thinking about our doomed planet makes it hard to focus on studying for exams. If the world is gonna go under water, what’s the point of my degree in Theoretical Gender Studies with Medieval Dance Theory? You still have to study though, just in case the apocalypse doesn’t work out. Don’t bank on it. It’s important to look after yourself in the upcoming weeks. Make sure to relax and remember that good grades aren’t as important as good physical and mental health.
Being an adult is knowing that you need a good night’s sleep. However, being an adult is also being too anxious to sleep. My GPA is so low it has dem boots with da fur. The whole RDS will be looking at me when I run into a clock whilst making a swift getaway from the disaster that will be my final exams. I’m starting to adopt the mantra that only God can judge me. So far it’s pretty stress free, probably because I’m an atheist.
Finally, some good news. UCD are hosting their ‘Woodland Walkies’ event on the 1st of April. No matter what you try to do, you will not beat this event. My favourite thing about UCD is that people walk their dogs around campus. Being able to pet a dog makes up for being rejected by lovers, my parents disapproval and the gaping void in my life that makes me d