Power-mad Deputy Editor throws hat in the ring for Ents race - The Harpy

In light of the success of the ‘Yes’ campaign to accept the amendments in the constitution, former Deputy Editor and unconfirmed gestapo officer, Dylan O’Neill has announced his candidacy for the role of Entertainments Officer in the upcoming by-election. O’Neill told The Harpy that he plans on running with the promise of bringing in “a strict, concise and measured amount of fun into the SU events.”

The Harpy was provided a copy of O’Neill’s manifesto ahead of his interview with the paper. O’Neill also prided himself on meeting the deadline to provide his manifesto, despite not one interviewer asking him. When asked about how he intends to revitalise the Ents forum, O’Neill proposed to build on the mandatory reporting required by each member to include “size 12 Times New Roman font, double spaced and submitted in physical form on college lined paper.”

As the interview moved towards his views on his competition, O’Neill said he wasn’t concerned over splitting the “Mayo-vote” with opponent, incumbent Campaigns and Communications Officer Tom Monaghan. “I’ve been in contact with various agencies concerning my manifesto points already and I’m 56% confident that our shared origins will not hurt me too much among the white, male demographic in the polls. 7/10 of the simulations I’ve run in my head at 1am over the past week has seen me come out on top.” He was doubtful over how he polled with minority groups, stating that he felt Monaghan may get the upper hand with the LGBTQ+ vote, but reiterated that that was due to his “niche, black humour that nobody got”. O’Neill went on to avoid direct questions on his approachability as a candidate and future sabbatical officer, and used the opportunity to regurgitate prepared snappy lines on his past experience in student media.

Among some of the points mentioned that O’Neill’s manifesto, he wishes to rebuild the damaged relations between the SU and societies by instigating mandatory participation in the 24-hour musical. When asked by The Harpy about the logistics of this for a college of almost 30,000 students, O’Neill said, “people will be tripping over themselves for even the tiniest chance to perform a kick, ball, change turn in the Astra Hall.” O’Neill had no ideas as to what charity the proceeds would go, stating that “the ‘profit’ would go to fund future musical theatre events in the union.”

“If Monaghan can rope in a team of students to my ice-cream for no other reason that to see his name in a book, I’m pretty sure I can get students to take part in a round the clock, perfectly harmonised singalong to the hits of Sondheim.”

Despite appearing to be well-prepared for the role of Entertainments Officer, with O’Neill being aware of who sits on student council (a rarity among the incoming sabbatical team), his point on introducing full uniforms “to promote the brand of the union and the rank of the individual officer within the forum so students are aware of the hierarchy of the forum and how each officer should be addressed,” raised concern among the interview panel over the fun-natured atmosphere that Monaghan would introduce under his regime.

While The Harpy was satisfied with O’Neill’s “vaulting ambition and pure spite at this point” being enough motivation to actually carry out the job and plan events, further concern was raised over the rumours arising from his campaign launch, with undercover reporters saying that his use of underhanded passive-aggressive remarks and fake plastered smile will catch event the most cynical of voters off guard.

Voting is set to take place by ritual sacrifice at the secret lake on the eve of the first summer exam in UCD. Candidates will have 2 minutes to answer rapid fire questions from a variety of topics, and the loser will drowned.