Patrols launched as Government, Irish Times gear up for No Child 2020 - The Harpy

The Department of Justice has recently begun a militarised squad patrol on the streets of Dublin, citizens have told The Harpy. A procession of armoured vehicles left the Shankhill garda station at the early hours of Saturday 17th February and drove through streets of Dublin’s fair city, to much confusion of the early morning joggers and drunkards making their way home from the night before.

Deputy Garda Commissioner John Twomey told citizens via a microphone from the brigade that the patrols “were the next step in carrying out the government’s declaration from the first Dáil,” which aims to see the removal of all children under the age of 18 from Ireland by 1st January 2020. “The patrols will check on the progress of Irish families to remove any persons under the age of 18 before the deadline,” he announced.

Minister for Justice and Equality Charles Flanagan, spoke at a press conference on Monday morning, explaining that the No Child 2020 was “a brave and bold government initiative to address the inequality and lack of educational resources for all children in Ireland, by removing them all.” Minister Flanagan told the more sceptical of reporters present to “ask yourselves: how do you stop human suffering? Remove all the humans. It’s the same form of logic we’re using in this case.”

Minister Flanagan refused to answer questions on what the exact definition of “remove” meant in this context, but implied that it would be better for both the children and their families if they complied with an Garda Síochana. The garda patrols are just Phase 1 of the Minister’s plan to reduce the population of young people in Ireland. “Following the implementation of Phase 1, later phases will include the suspension of zebra crossings and the removal of speed bumps on Irish roads, with the final stage being a country ‘hunger games’-esque.” When asked how he felt if the country would willingly follow along with these plans, Minister Flanagan said “sure RTÉ and Sky Sports have been battling it out over the broadcasting rights for matches in the past,” and believes that this could overtake the Sunday game in popularity.

In response to this declaration from the minister, Ryanair, who have traditionally been known for their low-prices and customer satisfaction, have taken advantage of the mass child exodus and hiked their prices astronomically. A press release from the company’s media relations department have said “we sympathise with parents’ plight to have to provide safe passage out of the country, which is why we are offering a special ‘Catholic family’ deal for families with more than 3 siblings.”

Surprisingly, ASTI welcomed the declaration and the government’s moves to remove the young population. “Yes, it’ll mean I’ll have to find another job in a few months, but I’ll never have to mind those snotty-nosed emotional torturers, or grade exams,” one secondary school teacher told The Harpy. “I can finally go on that holiday to Portaventura I planned, without worrying about young families, and just think about how small the lines at Disney World will be,” another teacher told The Harpy, in tears.

Overall, the mass removal of people aged below 18 years is being welcomed by the citizens of Ireland, with support for this government reaching an un-precedent 38%.