Owen Keegan said to possess 'Rapustin' levels of invulnerability

Scripture tells us that Dublin City Council Chief Executive Owen Keegan is a hard man to get rid of. Many have tried to rid Dublin of the parasitic shit and many have failed.

Such formidable endurance did not intimidate UCDSU President, Ruairí Power, however, as he attempted to free the Dublin housing market from his evil grip on Wednesday of last week. The Harpy spoke to Power immediately following the incident who despite his disarming accent, had eyes shot with bloodlust. “I stabbed the fucker seventeen times but he just kept bellowing about tents ruining the city. I thought I’d finally killed him after the seventeenth swing but he just disappeared into a puff of black smoke, blew through my midriff and disappeared. To be honest, it was one of the most erotic experiences of my life”. 

This confrontation is only the latest in a series of attempts to remove Keegan from his position. Last May, several attempts were made to poison Keegan following his closure of prominent public spaces. Nonetheless, he is said to have drank his wine and said he felt merely as empty and soulless as before. 

There are rumours of plots among Dublin city councillors to shoot him several times before drowning him in the soon to be built white water rafting centre. It seems the facility may serve the public interest after all.