Here are some of the things I heard in my miserable wanderings.
One of the joys of college is wandering around halls desperately trying to find a place to sit and eat your lunch or get some work done. And despite being in the throes of despair of never finding a place to get your mountain range of essays even started, let alone finished, you still somehow manage to hear snippets of conversations and marvel at the things people tell each other in public places, in full hearing of anybody who happens to be around.
Confucius:
Burning Me Right Up:
“…burning. Actual burning. I mean I got actual third degree burns on my throat.” Reminds me of an Ash Wednesday gone wrong in my secondary school several years ago. A bad batch of ashes led to about a quarter of the students and teachers getting second degree burns on their foreheads. Good times.
No hoovers wanted:
“Just sucked all the happiness out of my soul.”
A True Friend:
“I’m pretty sure you just hit me on the head.”
“Heh.”
“What do you mean ‘heh’?”
“Heh.”
All Eyebrows:
“My leap card. You can’t see it. It’s all eyebrows.” However bad it is, it cannot possibly be worse than my passport photo, which genuinely looks like a mug shot.
Roebuck:
Experiencing Death:
“I actually thought I was dying yesterday.”
“I know, same.”
“I fully thought I was going to faint.”
Because fainting, famously, is the same as dying. And how do you even know what dying feels like?
Oslo:
“Oh, hey, how was your weekend? You went to Oslo, right?”
“Oh, yeah, it was great. Except when we got there, we found out our accommodation got cancelled, so we had to go to a super sketchy Airbnb. We spent the whole time thinking we would get murdered. We didn’t get murdered.”
Sounds like a truly terrific holiday. Can I go with you on your next outing?
Halloween Costumes:
“You could have been Donald Trump.”
“I could have been Trump?”
“You do look a little like him.”
“I look like Trump?”
“Well, you are a little orange.”
“I look like Trump?”
Quinn:
Giving Blood:
“To save lives, but also to know what my blood type is. I mean it’s a win-win situation.”
Good Habits:
“I don’t wake up every day.” That sounds vaguely worrying.
Fake IDs:
“You have to get a fake ID several states away from you so that they [the pesky bouncers] don’t know what a real license looks like.”
Sneeze Time:
Girl sneezes really loudly, to which one of her friends asks “Are you alright?”
The answer: “Yeah, sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt. Just felt like that came out of my eye.”
Agriculture and Food Science Centre:
And then he went dead:
“Oh no.”
“And then he went dead.”
“Did he have a procedure?”
“No, he just had loads of cuts and scrapes and [was] covered in bandages.”
Why does that never work for me?
“I heard everyone scream and I just went, wait, that never works for me.”
Sutherland:
Life or College, or a Rihanna bop:
“I am in a hopeless place.” I feel your pain.
Music Tips:
“If you hold a piano key down for ten seconds, it just sounds off. But it does not take into account the fact that the mouth could be open the entire time.”
I asked around, and as far as my sources know, a piano does not have a mouth.
Life Cycle:
“Oh, you’re not in my life cycle are you?” I have so many questions.
Life Questions:
“The first one is stupid. See, the green one is stupid. Is it because we didn’t join them?”
Study Skills:
“I didn’t know you could study.” Burn!
Poor Life Choices:
“Now I’m one step away from becoming Freddie Krueger.” I think I should be worried. Should I be worried about this?
Mondays and Tuesdays:
“Monday is a fun day to get things done day. Tuesday is lose day.” Love it!
Positivity:
“Ah, no, no, he’s fine. He’s just in a lot of pain… He has surgery on Wednesday.” I think you should revise your definition of fine’.
The Race:
“Tomorrow’s gonna be a good day for the race. What race? You’re supposed to ask. The human race.” This was the day before the U.S Presidential Elections. Unfortunately, the girl was wrong as we all know how that turned out. Still, good to have optimism.
Newman:
One of the best places to (unintentionally) hear wacky things.
Mythbusters:
“Leprechauns. You can’t debunk them. Fairies.”
Opinions to yourself please:
“Some tweakass people here.” What does that even mean? Should I be offended?
Farming Tendencies:
“I’m gonna get a chicken.”
Pretty sure she meant a frozen chicken to cook for dinner, but I just thought it sounded really funny. I can just imagine her in dungarees and a broad hat, chewing straw and holding a squawking chicken in her arms. Just me? All right then, moving on.
Questions Abound:
Two men in hi-vis: “We’ve got two guys, we’ve got two guys in the bin.” How. Just how.
Hurry Up!
“Come on out of there. You’re holding people up. Hurry up!”
My Life’s Work:
“My goal in life is to trump the people that always do good, that are always on the ball…” I think I should be worried again.
College Habits:
“Stoned literally 24/7.”